Raping Mother Earth....

I like to pride myself on being able to capture the beauty of the world around me through my lens... but sometimes it is just so very ugly and hateful and violent that even pictures do not do the crime justice, nor words.

I realize it is spring when most people watch and notice the earth coming back to life, rejoicing in the process. However, I always seem to notice the once fertile field being tilled to accept new seed, sitting silent bleeding from the numerous perk test sites where new homes will sprout like weeds.

This particular spring day... it was filled with neglect and violence.... once a beautiful woods, home to so many.... slashed, violently downed ..... look at the photos... tough for me to turn away, tough for me to take in. It breaks my heart. I know the animals that have been displaced.. I hear their cries.... I feel their violation..... smell their fear.... Mother Earth has once again been raped, left exposed and embarrassed for all to drive by and witness....

But she is strong... for look closely in the first of the photos... do you see it? Along the bottom of the frame.... there is green.... she pushes forth new life even in the presence of such truculence. She is a survivor. We have much to learn from her... whenever you get the chance..... listen to her speak.

The Prelude and the Dream....

The Prelude.....

One of my dearest of friends struggles with fluctuations with weight. I think she is a truly beautiful woman no matter her size and she has a fabulous husband that just adores her. She has that type of marriage that is truly inspirational. They are best friends.... and he has claimed her!!! She has a rather impressive diamond ring that screams, "taken!" *smiles*

I'm not the materialistic person... I never really cared much about diamonds. In fact, for years I always said if ever I got remarried all I wanted was to wear two simple bands on the same finger. Then one day, my friend provided a whole different perspective... she told me that when she feels sales clerks or store personnel are looking down on her and she is feeling as if she is just "a short little old fat lady" she flashes her "F**k You, somebody loves me" ring!!! *big smiles* And all her confidence returns because she knows she has something incredible... it's what the ring represents.

So although I'm really not a materialistic person..... I do dream about having a "F-U somebody loves me" ring.... and my girlfriends and I joke about it....

Well... the other night, the girls and I went out to dinner, and on the way home we stopped at the mall. I had taken in a bracelet (previous gift) which was in need of repair and was now ready to be picked up. When I first dropped off the bracelet I noticed a ring in the display... a beautiful sapphire (my birthstone) that just slipped on my finger perfectly. It really was "me". So while we were there, I showed it to my girlfriends. They know I rarely buy anything for myself... especially not something so frivolous.... not that it was terribly expensive, nonetheless, money that could be used to pay bills or college tuition, etc. But then I got thinking.... why should I have to wait for a "F-U somebody loves me" ring? Sure, I'm still hoping to find that which it represents.... but that night I got me an "F-U "I" love me" ring!!!!


The Dream....

That night I had a dream....

I was in a poor, dirty, market place, small village or city, type location.... (very similar to the setting of Slumdog Millionaire, if you saw the movie) it reminded me of the streets of Cairo when I was there. And, I found a little girl.... she fluctuated between being a baby and a toddler.... she was dirty, her diaper needed to be changed and her parents were no where to be found. I tried to find someone to care for her, but no one would. No one wanted her. So, I took her. I changed her diaper. I washed her hair and gave her a bath. I fed her and clothed her and cared for her.... time passed and eventually (I believe it was) her mother was found. It was time to give the little girl back to the care of others.... but she didn't want to go. She told me that I took care of her better than anyone else and that she loved me.....

********

Upon waking, my day got off to a crazy start and I had forgotten about the dream until later in the day my one friend mentioned that she had had a crazy dream that night... and I remembered mine. I didn't think much of it as I was describing the dream to her.... and then it hit me.....

Was I the little girl?

The Gift of a Kiss.....

Having survive a some what verbally abusive ex-husband (albeit, a long time ago) I am still unable to be the one to make a first move of a kiss. Fear of rejection is paralyzing. Yet, there are some situations in which I am rather certain my kiss or touch would be more than welcomed... and I am still unable to do so.

Once, (okay, maybe twice or three times) I've been invited to share a man's personal space and know for a fact that I am welcomed there.... then look out!!! The shyness disperses back into the depths of the forest from whence it came.... and I once again hold within me... the gift of a kiss.

The gift of a kiss is confidence.

It says, "I like you." "I want you in my space." It whispers, "You are welcomed here, please come again..."

The gift of a kiss lightens your step, makes you stand taller and bestows a certain energy and sense of courage that can be obtained from no other source.

A first kiss should never be taken for granted.... whether it be the first one shared between two souls... the first of a day, after months or years together.... or the first after having not seen a person for a period of time....

As for me? That gift is best delivered with the warmth of his hands holding my face... I cannot run... and it assures me that he does not want me too..... gift delivered.

Mail to make a Momma proud...

There are times when bringing in the day's mail is enough to make us cry... bills, bills and more bills.... but today my mail brought me tears of pride....

The first envelope I opened was a "Thank You" note from my oldest son, Aaron and his new wife, Sara. They chose the one and only shot that I requested be staged by the photographer as the photo to put on their thank you cards... and on the back they wrote the most beautiful, personal, meaningful sentiments.... it started out....

Dear Mom,
"There's so much we have to be thankful for: ......."

But it was how it ended that touched my heart ....

" .... But most of all, thank you (underlined) for loving us both and supporting our marriage."

There are details that I'll not go into here... but allow me to say that these words meant more than you can imagine.... I love them so completely... envy what they have... and can't image a more perfect match for either one of them....


The second piece of mail came in "box" form.... as I cut loose the tape, pulled the contents from the box and opened to read the announcement.... my heart was overcome.... it read....

"The Faculty, The Board of Trustees,
and President David J. Shorton
announce that
Benjamin Donald ........
is a candidate for the degree of
Bachelor of Science
in
Animal Science
Magna Cum Laude
at the
One Hundred forty-first
Cornell University Commencement Ceremony
Sunday, ......."

Wow.

Take a walk with me...

Have camera... will travel.

When I feel the need to rejuvenate or reconnect with the earth, one place I often travel to is the Columcille. It's a Megalith Park a half hour or so from my home. It is peaceful, serene, welcoming... no matter what time of the year. I've trudge through snow, waded through high weeds and kicked freshly fallen leaves of orange, brown and yellow up there. Today I visited while the earth was still as brown as the rocks from, which it came... and I still find it just as lovely as when the grass is lush and green.

It's a place for reflection and guests are requested to walk in silence... so before I enter... I'll share with you the fact that the chapel is my favorite place of all. When I enter I close the heavy wooden door and just sit in silence listening to the sound of my own heart beating... feeling the earth beneath me... grounding my soul. The boulder, which the chapel was built around is meant for just that... as a reminder to stay grounded and connected with the earth.

I invite you to take a walk with me....

The Columcille...

The Gray Hair....

I had quite the profound moment today.... Not that you can tell from the posted wedding photo... but my hair is rather long and uncontrollably curly at times... just about down to my arse... and, like any self respecting beast.... I shed. Finding one of my errant hairs can be quite interesting at times, as they can be a couple feet long.

Now, I know I am currently 46 ... and having raised three boys ... I am quite aware that I am beginning to get some gray hairs. My hair dresser assures me it is nothing to be concerned about at this point.... so today, when I pulled a hair from my sweater I thought nothing of it until I took a closer look at it. It was gray!!!!

Not only was it gray.... but it was LONG!!!! That means it's been around for awhile... so long in fact that it has decided it is finished living and should fall out!!!!

I need to call my hair dresser.....

A world of Disconnect....

The past few days I've been trying to understand the feelings inside me... I think I've finally been able to define them.... it is a sense of emotional and physical disconnect.....

From what? You might ask. I believe it to be a "what" and "whom"....

In today's world we move so fast... constantly working... not taking the time to slow down and appreciate that which is around us. We get so used to being in constant motion that when we do finally slow down, have a "moment to ourselves"... that's exactly what it is... a moment... with ourselves. Alone.

My various jobs have become my social life. Now with the ski season over... my winter family flies south... Those whom I love or care for dearly live at great distance... my day starts so early there is no one that would welcome a call at that hour just to say, "good morning".... and by the time I get home.... I need to sleep.

So yes... there is this feeling of disconnect.... physically.... no one close to kiss or caress... to touch or be touched by..... and I'm not speaking sexually..... just in general. And emotionally.... there is a disconnect from the world as well. Perhaps as a means of survival.

When I do slow down I head out into the woods or in search of some blackwater upon which to set my kayak.... it's out there that I rejuvenate and reconnect with the natural world. It brings peace to my heart.... but it just doesn't seem to be enough lately.

"The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had" I have amazing dreams (goals, desires) that have and do require much sacrifice.... I just want to live them some day instead of die trying to get there.... thus the sense of disconnect.

In Search of the Colours....

I've been into photography for decades now. In the earlier years I used to develop and process my own black and whites. I enjoyed playing with the shades of gray, controlling the light exposure in the darkroom and altering the initial shot tweaking it to my desire.

Over the years, however, I've had to rely on others to develop my colored films... it has become a lost art turned over to the hands of armatures in places like Walmart and Rite Aid. I've lost more photos to inexperienced hands... once a negative is damaged... there is nothing to do but buy more film and try again.

This... is an expensive practice for me, as I am one to take 100 shots in hopes of getting just one perfect.

So, roughly 4 years ago I decided I would go digital.... but will three kids in college and me a single mom.... the camera I really wanted was out of reach.... until a few weeks ago. For 4 years I've been saving my loose change, money I might receive at birthdays and Christmas and the cash I've earned doing side jobs (carpentry) for friends. It's been a long time coming... but finally a couple weeks ago when I went to visit my son in NH (where they have no sales tax and was able to save 70-80 dollars) I bought my camera!!!!

It's been sitting on my table beaming with quiet intimidation... until today... today ... even though is appears stark and bleak, void of all life... I went out to experiment.... in search of the colours in the woods... and man did I find them!!!

The prize shot of the day? The sunset. My very first sunset with my new digital slr camera!!! As soon as I pushed the shutter button I knew I had captured it and couldn't wait to get home and try to figure out how to transfer the photos to my computer!!! I apparently had forgotten I could actually look at them right then and there on the camera!!!

I've got a lot to learn... but here are some of the colours I found today... hope you enjoy!

Experimental Shot.... A long time coming....

Dead Kitty Saga Continues....

If you are just joining me and are not aware of the dead kitty saga.... read... Presents from Abbey..... :)


Much to my delight my friend who is a taxidermist has agree to donate her efforts for the sake of education and to create the entire skeleton of the kitty as well as peel the pelt (not for mittens or hats, but) so that my students can compare the fur with all the other pelts I have.

Even more to my delight was to find the dead kitty still in tact when I got home from work. It is now bagged and on its way to being frozen.

I wonder if she would let me help. I've assisted with a necropsy or two... they are quite fascinating.

Abbey has finally stopped sneezing.

Presents from Abbey.....

It's just a bit past 10:30 p.m. and I've just gotten home from a long day's work at school followed by a long night's work at Lowe's... and what greets me as I pull in the drive?!?!?! My big white beast as usual..... but tonight she's got a present for me. Generally they come in the form of groundhogs. Last summer I was quite proud of her as she got three groundhogs in a mere two week period of time. She likes to strut around the yard with them hanging out of her mouth. It always amazes me when I finally scoop them up, as to just how heavy they are, and she tosses them around like her well played with rope toy.

She pranced around the drive way then apparently left her present to lay as I opened the car door. She wanted to greet me with kisses..... I opted for a scratch behind the ears, thank you. She circled around me and followed me into the house where I promptly turned on the outside lights to see what she had be gifted me.... it was a kitty...

She's never gotten a kitty before. It was a gray tiger, fairly young. It just laid there with its cute little paws crossed like it was sleeping.

I called my son, the one who will be attending vet school in the fall, who also just happens to be considering adopting a kitten to take to school with him. I told him he now needs to adopt two.

Our conversation quickly digressed.... one would need to understand that I possess a scavenger's license awarded to me as a science educator to pick up road kill and use various parts of them for educational purposes.... and Benjamin cuts apart critters on a regular basis for research purposes...... Benjamin was quick to jump on the fact that a cat skull would be an awesome addition to my collection (I hate to admit how many various skulls I have). We spent a bit of time in debate about just lopping off it's head and putting in the freezer until he comes home again.... to just bagging the whole thing in order to get an entire skeleton out of it.... to approaching a friend and taxidermist to peel the pelt (which Ben thinks would make a rather cool hat or even better... mittens).... to tossing it across the street for the foxes to dine on this evening.....

I am tired. I worked all day. If it is still there in the morning I will consider lopping off it's head... but for now... the foxes lucked out.

As for Abbey.... she keeps sneezing... I think she is allergic to cats!!!!