Even Greater than a Mother's Love...

Rarely would you ever hear me say that anything could possibly rival a mother's love....okay, never would you ever hear me say that....until today.  Today I must acknowledge a love so real, so intense....and that love is between a boy and his dog.  Or, a dog and his boy.

Allow me to introduce Abbey.....











At eight weeks, she already weighed twenty-five pounds.  She was a bit of an impulse buy.  We were just going to "look" at the puppies!!!  We had fallen in love with the breed and someone local had a couple.

Apparently, they had both the male and female on site and he mounted her.  Even though they pulled him off her immediately, they ended up with eight puppies!!  The usual litter is around fifteen!!!  As it was an accidental breeding, they really didn't want to go through the expense of putting papers on the puppies even though they were pure bred.  They just wanted to find them good homes.  Instead of the usual cost of $1,200.00 they were selling them for $200.00.  Well, that's all my twelve year old son had to hear.

He promptly went home, counted all his change, got his brother's to contribute for a percentage (usually tips of tail and ears).  He even sold a $2.00 piece to his older brother's girlfriend (at the time).  And somehow, we ended up with Abacus (a compromise....older brothers into math, she has an extra dew claw [a characteristic of the breed] so she could count, plus one....and since she is a mountain dog....she could be Abbey for short...like the Abbies in the alps.

My mother was furious with me.  I was a single mom.  We already had one dog.  How could we possibly afford another one.  Simple.  We couldn't.  But it became clear within two weeks that we couldn't afford to not get her!

She was the best thing that ever happened to her boy.  She taught him responsibility, and unconditional love which helped to heal the hurt from not having a father around.

They grew up together.....

From the time she was little....she liked to lay in the flowers, chase squirrels, scare the hell out of  bikers, bark at the moon, kill ground hogs, play catch with herself and howl with trains and harmonicas....but what she loved most....was her boy.

Her boy grew up and left for college....but he always came home to visit...and she loved on him as if he were gone for a life time and just home the day before.

Abbey LOVES snow!!  She has helped us to dig out from blizzards on more than one occasion.  She will lay on the tallest snow pile until it is a mere puddle...and nap as she is coated and covered with an inch or more, in sheer bliss.

Every Christmas she gets a new rope toy in her stocking and can hardly wait to sneak off outside with it to toss it around....but not before her boy gives her one of her cookies....

A couple times she was the star of the Christmas card...but none so amusing as last years.....

Every night after dinner she gets a carrot for dessert.  Yes, a whole carrot.  She will either bounce to her room or ask to go outside to sit holding her carrot upright in her paws savoring one bite at a time.

She is exceptional.  Rare. All love and joy.

She does not live with me... I live with her.  Ask anyone.  When they ask where I live and I start to explain they will always say, "Oh, where the big white dog lives."  All the delivery men, mail men, meter guys, UPS, FedEx, cleaning ladies....they all know her...and treat her....even regular bicyclists have told me they stop to give her a treat.

At Christmas I need to leave big notes posted on all the doors for the temporary drivers... PLEASE DO NOT FEED BIG WHITE BEAST BOXES!!!  See, Abbey thinks all the packages are for her.  So if the drivers leave it where she can reach it....they are opened and played with before I get home!!!

One year the temp drivers was so afraid of her (she can look menacing, although she is just a big baby) that he just threw the package right to her!!!!  The mailman happen to see (as Abbey trotted off with glee having scored another package for her!) who called my mom up at the office, who came down and retrieved the package!!!  See....everybody knows her!!!

Normally she will not tolerate any unknown beasts on the property.  But when one of my older sons adopted a stray and needed to bring her home for awhile...she "tolerated" the wee beast..although I believe she was more confused about exactly what it was....

She is our baby girl....and she is amazing...

When her boy comes home to visit...the hardest thing is to watch them part.

She buries her head in his chest, hugging him.  His eyes tear.  My tears flow.  It's just heart breaking.


Her boy is now 23 and living in Colorado.  Abbey will turn 11 in April.  Maybe.

Call it mother's intuition, but when he came home this past October, I scheduled his flights so that he would have more time at home and be able to spend some real time with her instead of just flying in and flying out.  Turned out we had a lot of together time as Hurricane Sandy hit while he was home.

Again, when he had to leave...there were tears all around.  I wanted to take pictures of them saying good-bye....but something inside me felt it would be an intrusion.  My heart aches for both of them.

Two weeks ago she shared her love with another little boy so in need a healing....Joshua.  He kept saying, "She loves me.  She really loves me."  And I would just reply, "What's not to love?  Of course, she does."

This past week I found out that Abbey has only 3-6 months to live.  She has a mass in her abdomen that is already the size of a spaghetti squash and growing.  We could put her through a very expensive and invasive surgery to have it removed.  But she would also need chemo therapy and would still only have 3-6 months to live.

I once wrote about wishing relationships had expiration dates. I was in favor of them.  There are good pros and cons to the subject.  But this is a pro for me.  So often when a pet is taken suddenly the owner is filled with grief....I say guilt.  They feel guilty for all the times they told the dog to "go lay down" when they didn't want to be bother...or grumbled when they had to take it for a walk, etc.  Guilt, because all the dog ever knows and shows is unconditional love and acceptance.  There will be no guilt for me....unmeasurable grief and sadness.....but no guilt.

For now, I am doing my best to love her for the both of us....her boy and me.  If she wants to walk, we walk.  If she wants a cookie, she gets it!  If she wants to sneak off with her carrot (dessert) before eating all of her dinner....then so be it.

On the pain meds she is happy and bouncing.  Today she wanted to take a walk through the fields and chased a squirrel up the tree.  She is her old self.....but she's not.

There is an overwhelming sadness in my being.
I see the little changes.  My heart breaks for her boy, unable to leave CO.  Having said his last good-bye and knowing it.

A mother's love is amazing....rivaled only by a boy and his dog....or a dog and his boy.

May God please show mercy....for all the unconditional love she has shared with us.  She will be missed.

The Season of the Combine....

It must come from being raised on a farm....but dang, I love the season of the combines!!!

From the time I was little and stomping down a "house" in the middle of the wheat field to play I've always been fascinated with the seasons of the fields from turning the chocolate brown soil, to watching the sprouts emerge, to witnessing the harvesting.

I would wait, watch and listen with great anticipation of the big machines gobbling down the crops.  When I was little and too small to see over the tops of the corn stalks, I would stand just off the edge of the row, listening to the combine make its way closer and closer...seeing the dust rise in the sky...and feel the earth tremble beneath me.  And then, like a large monster, the tips of the tines would emerge followed by the monster itself!  I'd squeal with delight, run and patiently wait its return.

One of the most magical images was a few years back.  We had planted wheat and the thrashers were working late trying to get the crop in before the rain.  It was well beyond dark.  The headlights of the thrasher danced on the dust particles leaving a magical glow in its wake....all under the brilliance of a full moon over its shoulder.

To this day I am so disappointed if they harvest the crops when I am not home.

This year I had the rare treat of being home on a beautiful sunny day as the combine worked slowly to gather the corn.  Hurricane Sandy had reduced the once 7-8 foot high stalks to a mere 4-5 feet, but I was still in awe, alight with the energy of a five year old.

I decided to try to capture the magic in photos....the farmers seemed amused by my childlike enthusiasm.

Some sections of the fields are long and rolling.  I had a wait for it to crest the final hill and head down towards me.

As I stood in wait, mid-hill, I would hear rustling in the corn.  It struck me as odd.  Often the wind will blow and the corn "speaks" to me....but this was different.  It was louder than the normal whisper, pronounced.  Yet, as I scanned over the tops of the stalks, I was indeed alone in my endeavor.

With such a plentiful crop, the combine would need to empty mid-pass.  He couldn't make it from one end to the other without spewing its golden fire like a dragon into the awaiting semi's.

Like an impatient child. I wiggled with anticipation.  I kept running up to the crest of the hill to see how far it had gotten.  I wanted to shoot from below the crest.  Twice, three times...there was that noise coming from the corn, more loud and punctuated than a passing breeze....still I was alone.

Would he ever get there?  The sun was setting....I was impatient.....shadows were getting long and the field was losing its golden hue....

And then, there he was....rising over the crest consuming all in its path!!!









I wanted so desperately to watch yet my attention was drawn behind me!!!  At the vibration of the combine cresting the hill, coming closer, he exploded from his sanctuary in the corn and bounded off into the sunset.

He was truly magnificent....and unfortunately bounding off right into the sun, now low in the sky...

I was absolutely giddy!  I continued to record the farmers toils.

And was gifted once again by a magical, beautiful, dust-filled sunset.....

The world truly is a wonder to be experienced....

I miss him...

I miss him.

I.  Miss.  Him.

I, miss him.

I miss, him.

Him, I miss.

I.....miss.....him.....

Miss him?  Aye.

I miss......him...

I MISS him.

I miss HIM.

I MISS HIM!!!

Doesn't matter how you say it.

One Hundred Twenty Pounds.....

September 19, 2004 my grandmother passed away.  We called her Mam-mam.  At 89 she had two children, five grandchildren and eleven great-grandchildren.

When my brothers and I were little we would run up the hill through the corn field to her house.  All five grandchildren would sleep over, laying in a row on the floor.  She would make us root beer floats, sock monkeys, clothes, afghans, apricot jam and Hungarian goulash!  She would bring us shells and presents from the beach and sometimes even take us with her....all five of us!!!  Or sometimes just the boys and sometimes just the girls.

And when the great grand children arrived, she'd do it all again for them....well, except not the making of clothes and one day (much to our dismay) she got tired of apricots so she cut down the tree!  It was a BIG tree!!!

She was a feisty woman!  Always carried her own doggie bag, especially to buffets, and was known as the Queen of Returns as she would use things for months, decide she didn't care for them and insist that the stores give her all of her money back!!!  They always did!  She was also quite the gambler heading to Alantic City, saved quarters in hand, and always come back a winner!!!  She had natural luck.  You'd walk outside with her and she would almost always find a four-leaf clover.  She would wrap them in cellophane and press them in her Bible.  Her Bible is full of them!

By the time she passed, my boys were in high school and college.  They were very close to her.  I find it very befitting that she passed on International Talk Like a Pirate day, so that every year when we say, "Ahoy thar Matie" we can be reminded of her feisty personality.

*******
 A few years before she passed we were forced to take her car keys away from her.  When we took her to the eye doctor she could no longer see the big E.  Yes, the BIG E at the very top of the chart!!!

She didn't take to the new life style having to be driven around very easily.  She only finally relented when one of my boys needed a car.  We bought hers.

Since she was no longer driving this meant that my mom had to take her to all of her doctor appointments.   Near the end she appeared to be losing weight.  The doctor agreed.  However, Mam-mam did not!!  She would argue with the doctor incessantly.  She would tell him over and over again how she weighed herself every morning and her scale said, "120 lbs."  Each time the doctor would weigh her....each time they argued.  She KNEW she weighed 120 lbs!

*******
After she crossed over, cleaning out her house was an emotional task.  At times tears welled in our eyes.  It was so hard to pack up lifetimes of memories.  At other moments we were perplexed as to why she would stock up on sooooo many boxes of garbage bags, plastic bags, tin foil and cling wrap.  I was awarded her stash.....over eight years later and I still haven't used them all!!!  I'm on my last box of sandwich bags.  You know, the old kind....not ziplock bags....the kind that you have to tuck in and fold over!!

And then there was that moment.  That moment of shear blissful utterly clear understanding that left us with tears rolling down our cheeks and laughing so hard we could barely stop!!

We were cleaning out her bedroom when I happened upon her scale.  Unbeknownst to us, Mam-mam had bought a new scale, the digital kind.   I asked my mother how much she always said she weighed.  My mother replied, "120 lbs."  To which I responded, "Well, she did."

It worked perfectly.  Only, she hadn't removed the clear film from the display window!  Guess what it read?  One Hundred and Twenty Pounds!!

A little appreciation ......came a long way!

Watching the utility crew convoys roll into the area ahead of the storm left one with an ominous feeling  in one's heart.  It was eerie.  Yet, comforting.  They left their own homes and states to be ready to help ours.

Once Sandy hit and the days without power began, I was becoming increasingly frustrated with some people's voiced impatience with the electric companies. I challenged people that instead of complaining, if they saw a crew, to buy them a cup of coffee and say, "thank you".  They worked 20 hour shifts and must have felt beyond exhausted and discouraged by all the work needing to be completed.  

As the hours turned into multiple days, it was looking as though we would not get our power back in time to attend the wedding for which my son came home.  The hotel and reception hall had also lost power.....and then right around noon on Friday, on came the power!!!  We still had no hot water, but word was that the hotel had gotten their power back as well, and another reception location had been secured!!!  We could leave early enough and have out first hot shower in a week!

With the power restored to our street, we would no longer need to tend the generator. And so we went, knowingly heading into an area harder hit, in someways, than our own, keeping fingers crossed that we would be able to find gas once up there.....

As we headed North through New Jersey we came to the Mahwah hotel.  It's like a huge glass palace/tower seemingly out in the middle of nowhere!!!  I suppose it's proximity to the "city" and "no where" makes it a desirable location for conventions for city people wishing to escape.  And so there it was, this monstrous hotel tower .... mirrored exterior reflecting the light and bits of blue sky finally breaking through parting clouds.....and at its base.....hundreds of utility trucks, bumper to bumper who have come to help and were finally getting a bit of rest!  I wish I had had time to stop for a photo.  (we were on a road ramping up over and around...not a good time to stop or take eyes off the road) It was awe inspiring!!!  All those people leaving their families to help us!

It's difficult to describe the depth of gratitude that overcomes you having struggled for what feels like forever with no power, downed trees, and  much to be cleaned up.  It nearly washes the overwhelmed feelings from your soul to know that you are not alone and people are giving of themselves to help you.

A bit further into the trip we came upon a convoy from Texas heading in our direction.  I told my son I wanted to beep for them and give them a thumbs up to let them know we appreciated them.  He had been up exceptionally late the night before and was more in the mood to sleep and keep things quiet than to play and be loud....and so we passed in silence.

It bothered me the entire day.  I felt as though I had talked the talk, but hadn't walked the walk.  I regretted not expressing my appreciation.....and it weighed heavily on my heart.

We arrived at the hotel just in time for a well deserved, non-rushed HOT shower!!!  The wedding was delightful and the reception LOTS of fun....even if all thrown together the day before!!!  It really was fantastic!!

When we arrived back at the hotel a 16 truck convoy was parked outside, from Texas.  I knew exactly what I wanted to do!!!  I went up to my room, kicked off my heels and wrote a thank you note for each truck.  Barefooted I went back down to the parking lot and climbed each truck to tuck a note under their windshield wipers.  Some of those trucks are really big!!!  A couple of security guards thought me a bit crazy....or maybe intoxicated....but they don't know me!

I slept rather well that night, content that I had stated my thanks...

Never expecting to actually see the truckers I received a special treat.  We were on our way down to breakfast and I glanced out the window.   The convoy was pulling out.  Apparently one of the gentlemen hadn't noticed the note right away, stopped his truck, retrieved it, read it, smiled and tucked it up into his visor.  My son couldn't understand why I had stopped and was looking out the window.  I got to be the proverbial fly on the wall....what a gift getting to watch him enjoy his surprise.

After a leisurely breakfast, we packed up and headed out to the car.  When we got to the lot two of the trucks were still there, one apparently having some mechanical difficulties.

I told my son to hang on a minute and went over to thank the men in person.  They seemed genuinely grateful that I would take the time to say, "thank you."  Really?  Less than five minutes out of my life to show gratitude for the weeks they may be away from their own families?

Slightly blushing, I admitted that I was the one who put the notes on their trucks.  I wanted them to be able to put a face to the gesture...but also secretly wished I had taken more time and written neater....maybe there was a little too much wine in me afterall!!!!

They grinned from ear to ear and told me how it really made their morning coming out to find them!!!!  They truly sounded excited.  And it made my day that I made their day!

Energy is contagious.... pass on some of the good stuff!

Night chills....

My youngest son is home from Colorado visiting.  You know when you were a kid and being naughty how your mother would say, "I hope you get a kid just like you some day!!!!" ? Well, he's mine.

I love all my boys dearly, yet you can't help but connect differently with each one.  With my baby...we connect more spiritually.  We listen to the Earth and believe in things that can't always be scientifically proven, but make them no less real to us.

Stories like this, you just can't make up.

A couple nights before the storm hit, my son and I had gone out for dinner.  It was a humid, almost balmy kind of night. With the storm pending the clouds were thick and looming keeping the heat of the day trapped.  We actually had to turn the defroster on to clear the windows.

As he was driving us home in the dark the Tim McGraw song Don't Take The Girl came on the radio.  Without realizing it we had stopped talking.  My thoughts were lost in the words of the song.  If you've never heard it, it's a very intense love song.

The last verse ends as follows...

 Johnny hit his knees and there he prayed
Take the very breath you gave me
Take the heart from my chest
I'll gladly take her place if you'll let me
Make this my last request
Take me out of this world
God, please don't take the girl

I started to wonder what it would be like to be loved like that, but realized very quickly that I had been.  My Daddy loved me like that.  I was 14 went he passed.

As thoughts of my Daddy flowed through my mind I got I tense chills that started at the base of my neck and went right down my spine as if someone had poured cold water down my back.  Instinctively I reached out to turn off the window defroster as if it were the source of my instant and extreme night chills.

As I touched the knob my son broke the silence and said, "You know, they say you get the chills when a spirit is around."

I turned to him in shock and surprise.  I hadn't said I got the chills.  I hadn't said anything.

I asked him if he had gotten the chills too.  The description of his experience was identical to mine.

I told him I had been thinking about my Dad.  He was too!

Although my son has never met my Daddy he has always felt very close to him.  Being the adventurous one, we would always tell my son that it was a good thing his guardian angel was related to him or he would have quit a long time ago!!!

I have no doubt my Daddy was with us at that moment and found a way to let us know.  In hind sight, perhaps he was in the area getting into position, like the emergency crews, because he knew what was coming our way and wanted to let us know that he was there and we would be okay.

Take me out of this world
God, please don't take the girl

I got to thinking about that level of love and my own Daddy, who passed when I was only 14.  He loved me like that.

As I was listening to the song and thinking about him I got a serious chill from the back of my neck right down my spine as if someone had poured cold water on me.  Instinctively, I reached out to turn off the window defroster.

My son just looked at me and said, "you know, they say that when spirits are around you get a chill." I hadn't spoken a word!  I didn't share my thoughts.  I turned to him in shock and asked if he had gotten a chill too.   His description of what he experienced was identicle to mine.

I told him that I was thinking about my dad.  He shared that he was as well.

Although my son has never met my Daddy, he has always felt very close to him.  We have always told my son from the time when he was little that it was a good thing his guardian angel was related to him because he would have quit a long time ago!!! (my son being the adventurous one)

Preparing for Disaster...hopeful or just plain stupid?

The sky is dark. There is a truly eerie feeling to the night.  Several convoys of emergency assistance vehicles from out of the area have arrived in preparation to help when needed.  At times there is an unnerving calm broken only by increasingly intense gusts of wind.

The storm is predicted to pass directly over us.

We are told to prepare for 80 mph winds, nonstop rain, flooding, power outages that could last for 7-10 days.

We have been advised to stock up on batteries, bottled water, non-perishable food, fill cars with gas, get propane, firewood, tie down furniture.....

So what did I do?  Well, my freezer was empty....I mean, nothing but ice, empty!  My son is home to visit and requires feeding, several times a day.  So today I decided to do one of my marathon cookings!!!  I made a pork roast and saurkraut in the crock pot, a large pot of Kartouffle soupe (filled 33 containers), roasted sausage, apples and squash, made pesto, grilled chicken thighs and zucchini, and turned 5lbs of ground pork into sweet breakfast patties (mmmmm...white wine, white pepper, sage, garlic.....)

I filled ziplock bags with water and put them in the freezer.  Filled three gallon containers with water and put them in the fridge. And will fill the tub as soon as I finish showering in the morning.

 I made 3 more oil lamps.

And I bought peanut butter....just in case.

So, now my freezer overfloweth!!!  Fabulous, as long as we don't lose power!  If we do....we eat really well for about three days then invite everyone we know over for a feast!!!  After that...it's peanut butter and crackers.

I don't buy processed foods.  My motto is buy local, eat fresh.

But I can't help but wonder if my cookfest was my method of defiance and refusal to think of  anything but beyond the rain and onto the sunshine when it's over!

Or am I just being stupid?

Remembering the morning....

The morning was cool and crisp..  The sun bright and making quick work of burning off the heavy, almost frost-like dew that wasn't protected by the shade....

The cool nights have set the trees in motion of shutting down producing less and less chlorophyll revealing the leaves true colors of red and orange....

The cornfields stand tall, rattling their dry leaves as the breeze runs through the rows like small children playing hide and seek....

And the monarchs have begun their frantic migration southward taking my wishes and dreams on their wings.....

What will tomorrow's sunrise bring?

Validation

Although I hate to  admit it, my self worth comes through the eyes of others.  I know it should come from within....but that only gets me so far.

Throughout my life, when feeling lost and adrift I've been able to cling to at least one aspect in my life where I could garnish enough validation to get me through.

Isn't that all that any of us wants?  A little validation from othere's eyes to let us know that our presence here in this world matters?  That we matter to at least one?  That we are a good friend, mother, lover, teacher, daughter.......?

So what happens when you feel as though you have nothing left which to cling?  When you feel totally alone?  Sure, you can look at the past and point to various accomplishments....I did this....I did that.....in the past I seemed to matter.....

But what about right now? Right in this moment, when the world is dark and there is naught but the sound of crickets, a cool breeze through the window and your thoughts to keep you company?  When you want to sleep to escape the day but can't for fear of waking?

Sometimes the slightest touch or acknowledgment from another can reduce you to an emotional spicket that can't be shut off, so you wander through your day praying, hoping no one will see you, speak to you, touch you....but it's a double edge sword isn't it?  You want, need the validation....but the source truly matters.

There are certain eyes in which we need to be viewed as good enough.....and when they seem to all be looking in another direction....anywhere but at you.....and you've been told or made to feel as though you are mot good enough....you just feel lost.....

Someone, please find me.....for as strong as I am and have had to be over the years....sometimes I need help getting back to shore.

I Beg to Differ....

They cough and they sniffle,
They hack and they sneeze,
I do what I can,
I try not to breathe.

But there's slime on their arms,
Slime in their hair,
There's slime on their shirts,
It's EVERYWHERE!!!!!

The moms say, "It's just allergies"
But I beg to differ,
Cus' green stuff is now
Coming out of MY sniffer!!

I cough and I hack,
I sniff and I wheeze,
Sometimes I can't help it,
I let out a big sneeze!

To the doctor I run,
He says, "Go right to bed!
That green slime is sloshing
All 'round in your head!"

I'll write up some plans.
A sub will come in.
I'll sleep through the day,
These germs they won't win!

The next day I'll be up,
I'll be running about.
The kids had better have behaved,
Or I'm liable to SHOUT!!!


Dang Kindergarteners!!!! Too good at sharing already!!

A Gift from Joshua....

When I arrived at work today the Art teacher entered my room right behind me. In hand she had, for me, a gift from Joshua.

Apparently at the end of class yesterday he had a little extra time and asked if he could make something for me....


My gift....

My God, how he melts my heart....

The Story of Joshua (part three)

After my visit, Joshua's great grandmother and I kept in touch. She asked if I would be willing to testify on Joshua's behalf? Joshua's father intended to file for full custody once the PFA expired.

Of course. I could only testify as to his academic progress and regress, but yes, I could testify. I let her know the dates that I would be out of the country.

And then I didn't hear from her again.....(summer ended, the school year started)....until a week and a half ago.

I received an email. With the PFA expired, Joshua's father had gone up to visit. The children were covered with bruises. He took both of them immediately to the police station where the children finally opened up about all the abuse they had been suffering at the hands of their mother and mother's girlfriend. An emergency PFA was placed on the mother and girlfriend. They are not even allowed to speak to the children. And Joshua's dad was going to be enrolling the kids back in school. Joshua would be in school the next day.

I didn't know if I should cry or jump for joy. I opted for both.

The next morning I was busy with my class. Joshua was now in first grade. All I could think of was how can I get down to his room to see him?

Finally it was lunch time. After dropping off my students I headed straight for his room. His class was about to get ready to go for lunch. He sat roughly eight feet from me. I was looking at his back.

His teacher and I caught eyes. All I was able to get out was, "Excuse me, I hope you don't mind...." without waiting for his teacher's permission he was up and in my arms seeking my reassurance as much as I was seeking his.

With his arms wrapped tightly around my neck he whispered into my ear that he still has the rock I gave him, but it is at his mother's house. I assured him I would get him another one. I whispered into his ear that I love him and glad that he is safe now. He had to get ready for lunch.

Later in the day I was walking my class back from their specials and noticed that his class would be coming in the door right in front of us....we could hurry and pass before they started to come in, or wait until they passed.....I guessed we could wait a little. :)

As his class filed through the door I watched and waited for him to realize I was there. Our eyes met. His smile has not yet returned, but he held my eyes....and then.....as he passed, we both reached out our hands and squeezed each other's as long as we could. He looked back to see if I was still there and watching, I was. That was a Friday.

Monday morning I made sure I had his new rock with me. I had intended to leave it on his desk for him.....but the day got away from me and I went home sick that I hadn't fulfilled my promise.

The following morning, without hesitation, I went directly to his room and asked permission to leave the rock on his desk. Promise fulfilled. I later learned that his eyes lit up when he saw it and he carried it in his pocket and talked about it all day!

Wednesday I went out to the playground when his class was out and my class was at gym. He gladly left his kick ball game to get a hug.

On Friday, I made a point to see him to reassure him that I would indeed see him on Monday, that he was coming back. I felt sick when Monday came and every time I was able to seek him out, he was not around. But, I did see him on Tuesday and we talked about missing each other on Monday...and laughed. I want him to feel safe that he will return and not be swept away, his world pulled out from under him, again.

This past Monday I received an email from his great grandmother that Joshua had a surprise for me and could they please come in before school one day. Of course. We settled for Thursday.

Thursday morning came and in they walked with a card, a piece of the most amazing chocolate/banana/almond cake, an antique red vase from Japan with a beautiful single white rose that bloomed throughout the day, which came from a rose bush that has been in their family since the early/mid 1800's.....and....a container of strawberries clean and ready to be shared!

Somehow they had found out that my birthday was on Friday and they wanted to do something for me.

His great grandmother wished me a happy birthday and then left Joshua with me for us to spend the morning together before the kids came in!!!

We played the Snail's Pace Race and Tic,Tac,Toe on the milk and cookies board taking turns being the cookies! We shared our strawberries and he sat on my lap to read a story. HE read to me!!!!

We spent our last few minutes talking about everything we used to do in our room. I was amazed he remembered so much....and wanted to talk to me about it.

And then we were off to our respective days.


A sadness remains in his eyes. His smile has not yet returned. But we will get there, together.

He knows I am there for him. Down the hall, maybe, but there!


As I stated at the beginning of this saga...as a teacher you hope for "just one" to know you made a difference.

Without a doubt, my entire career has been for THIS "just one".....but, more than me making a difference in his life....he has made a difference in mine.

*********

I had a dream that Joshua had grown into a tall handsome young man and was dressed in a cap and gown successfully graduating, giving me a hug, telling me that I mattered to him. I hope this dream comes true and I'll be able to watch him grow and remain a rock in his life, as he has become one in mine. Only Time knows....to be continued, of course.

The Story of Joshua (part two)

When Joshua came back to me that spring, it quickly became apparent that his reading and writing skills had regressed tremendously. It was almost as if he hadn't gone to school the entire time he was away. If he were to be passed on to first grade he would surely struggle. My advice, hold him back.

I spoke to his great grandmother about my concerns, who then spoke to his father. After a brief conversation with his father on the phone, having heard the words directly from me, he agreed knowing I would always have Joshua's best interest at heart.

A day later my principal asked if I would be willing to have Joshua in my class again the following year. The only way his father would hold him back was if he was placed with me. Again, of course. My principal stated that he knew the question was only a formality!

The school year ended with our final Brown Bag It where family members come in to have lunch with the kids and we put on a little show for them. Joshua's great grandmother and my mother were both in attendance. Joshua asked if he could take a picture with my mom and me. Once again, of course.



The following year I couldn't wait to start teaching! I was so excited about having Joshua again. I knew with the foundation he now had I could really take him far! He came in so eager to learn! Eager to be with me! He was in my top reading group almost from the get go!

Once again we were sharing snacks, giving hugs, saying, "I love you" and having the best year ever.

Thanksgiving was upon us and I took a few days off before the holiday to visit friends up in Michigan. While there I received an email that sank my heart and left me in tears.

It was from Joshua's great grandmother. Joshua's mother showed up in the school the day before Thanksgiving vacation was to begin. She claimed there was a death in the family and needed to take the children. Everyone knew she was lying. The school stalled as long as they could but the family could not be reached by phone, the necessary paperwork was not in his file and with no other choice the school had to turn the children over to their mother.

Once again, I didn't get to say, "good-bye"......worse, I was wracked with guilt for not being there the day she came to the school. Maybe it's best I wasn't because for sure, they'd be arresting me for not turning over the boy.

I couldn't get back to Pennsylvania fast enough. The first moment back I spoke with my principal. Our school had been notified that she was going to be enrolling them into a new school. She was angry that Joshua had been held back and was pushing to have him enrolled into first grade. Upon testing him, the new school refused and placed him in kindergarten.

My principal was going to call and speak with the new principal about what the real deal was with the mother, but she had gotten to the new principal before he was able. She gave the new principal a sob story and asked if the father would be able to come sign out the children like she had. They advised her and explained how to get a PFA against the dad!!!!

She lied to the judge telling him that Joshua wakes with nightmares about how his father had beat him and how he begs to not have to go with him. The judge granted a six month PFA. The father was only allowed supervised visits for two hours, every other week. He didn't even get that much. The mom didn't want Joshua around his great grandmother so she refused to bring him for visitation. His dad got to see him once around Christmas and again in February.

The PFA was not to end until the middle of June, so I knew any hope of getting my Joshua back was pointless.

Periodically I would get emails from his great grandmother asking me to pray for Joshua and his father. She told me that when she got to see him around Christmas she took photos along. Included was the picture of Joshua, my mother and me. She told me it was the first picture he asked if he could keep.


In early June I received another email from his great grandmother. They hadn't been able to see The kids since February, but the mom's girlfriend wanted the children to be able to visit and was willing to drive them down. They would be seeing them on Saturday. I asked her to please give him a hug from me and tell him that I love him. She asked if I wanted to stop over to see him and give him the hug myself.....of course!

She told me she was not going to tell Joshua and let it be a surprise...

I asked if it was alright with his father. I knew his dad was still very angry with the school for having turned him over. He did not understand, or want to accept, that legally they had too. She assured me it was fine.

Saturday came. The sun was shinijng hot and bright. I could hardly wait.

I drove my white pickup truck and parked near the barn about 20 yards from the farm house, Joshua and his sister were running around the yard. I could see his great grandmother walking across the meadow on the other side of the street coming towards the house.

When Joshua saw the pickup he came to a stop. He didn't recognize the truck. He kept looking and looking trying to identify who had arrived. I wasn't sure how he would react or feel about seeing me....it had been seven months.

I needn't have worried....The moment he realized it was me he shot off into a full out sprint headed in my direction. I knew better than to take another step and just braced myself. Joshua leapt into my arms with a full on smack!!!! His little arms and legs wrapped so tightly around me that there was scarcely room for air between us. Tears filled my eyes.

I carried him the twenty yards to the house. His great grandmother hugged "us" and said that she had seen him run. Joshua would not let go. After five minutes or more his great grandmother directed me to a bench where I could sit whilst still holding him.

As I sat there I noticed a heavy set boy around the age of twelve, buzz cut hair with tattoos all over his neck and wondered why on earth a parent would allow the boy to get tattoos at such a young age and such an obvious location. Turns out that was mom's new girlfriend.

Joshua finally climbed down off of me and wanted to show me everything! The chickens, his bed room, the garden, his bow......the down stairs. Unfortunately, that's where dad was apparently hiding out or sleeping and he did not want to be disturbed. Unaware that I was with Joshua he yelled at him to get outside.

I can understand his anger. I don't know any man that wouldn't be angry when his wife leaves him for another woman and basically kidnaps the children and issues a PFA against him. I think I'd have trouble being around the new girlfriend too.

Anyway, Joshua and I went back outside and sat on the bench. The girlfriend had finally walked away a bit and I had some time alone with Joshua. I pulled out a rock from my pocket. A piece of tiger's eye. The sun caught it and it glittered and sparkled as if it were pure gold. I handed it to Joshua who just sat mesmerized with it, rolling it in his fingers.

I told him that tiger's eye is a protective stone and brings out inner strength and that I wanted him to have it and hold on to it so that when ever he saw it he would know that I truly love him and want him safe and that I think about him all the time!

With that the girlfriend started to walk towards us and what happened as a result so took me aback that chills went down my spine and the hairs stood up on the back of my neck.... Joshua heard her too and instantly shoved the rock into his pocket and said he was going to put it in there to keep it safe. The only way to discribe it was as if it were a knee jerk reaction, as if someone who has been hit repeatedly will automatically raise their arm to block the shot if someone else arbitrarily raises a hand around them. It disturbed me greatly. He was obviously afraid that it would be taken from him.

Once safely tucked into his pocket, Joshua asked me if I wanted to see the creek.....of course! I hadn't planned on tramping around the woods and creek with a six year old...but hey, I was game!

We got down to the water's edge where he started to skip rocks and play in the water. I just watched....pure joy. He started to play around with some more rocks in the water...washing dirt from them....examining them.... A bird whistled and took my attention away for a moment. When I looked back Joshua's little hand was outreached, wrapped around a newly washed rock. He said, "this is for you." my eyes swelled and silent tears caressed my cheeks. I accepted it in silence. He then held out another newly washed rock...this one a flat skipping rock and said, "you can have this one too, if you want it.". I answered, "of course I want it, they're beautiful."

Not only beautiful, but more precious than any diamond I've every owned....

We made our way back to the house by way of rock hopping down the creek and climbing through high grasses on the bank. There we once again sat on the bench visiting,chatting within view of the girlfriend.

Joshua's father came out. Everything became instantly uncomfortable. I did not know where the great grandmother was located. Apparently, I learned later that she was in the house cleaning strawberries for Joshua and I to share.

Not wanting to over stay my welcome, I told Joshua it was time for him to walk me to my truck that I needed to go. Reluctantly he stood up and took my hand.

When we got to the truck I asked him for a hug good-bye, but it was too late. His beautiful blue eyes had glassed over. He was shutting down his heart. I picked up and hugged his limp body for all it was worth. I whispered in his ear over and over again that I loved him.....but he was gone.

I got in my truck, pulled out the drive and cried all the way home.


(to be continued.....)

The Story of Joshua.....

Teaching is like throwing pebbles into a pond, one never knows just how far the ripples will go. As a teacher we hope to inspire....to make a difference...true difference in just one young life.

Sometimes you work your entire career without the knowledge of having made a difference...and sometimes you are gifted with the knowledge that you mattered...to just one. Joshua is my "just one."


For nearly a decade I had been teaching Life Science / Biology. It was my passion. I had worked so hard to obtain the certification and goal of teaching science, working through the ranks and patiently waiting for someone to retire. But I did it. I loved it. And I was good at it!

However, the District restructured and because I am multi-certified and the only person in the science department that was multi-certified, I was reassigned to teach Kindergarten.

To say that the reassignment was met with great angst would be an understatement.

My first day of Kindergarten was nothing short of chaos including a little blonde haired, blue eyed boy named Joshua, that seemed to have been raised under a rock and threatened to hit another little boy. My first day of Kindergarten and already I've got to take two boys to the principal's office!

I was struggling. I couldn't figure out why I felt so lost. Yet, every day I came to work and attempted to make a difference.

I didn't always know what to do. I really didn't know why I was there. Most of them seem to follow my confused lead, but Joshua seemed as though he had never even seen a pencil before. He didn't even know how to make it leave it's mark on a piece of paper. Day after day I guided him, hand over hand....seemingly getting nowhere.

Weeks passed and I finally realized why I, personally, was struggling so much. I was finally able to define my emotions....I felt as though I had been stripped of my identity. I didn't know who I was anymore. As a Biology teacher I knew who I was and was very proud of my accomplishments. When someone would ask what I did for a living, I was proud to say that I taught science. My response was met with admiration. When admitting that I now taught kindergarten, the comment would be met with snickers and questions like, "What did you do to get demoted?"

I knew I couldn't change anyone else's perceptions, but I knew I needed to change mine. So one afternoon, at the end of the day while sitting at my desk, instead of breaking down into tears I decided to make....or at least, start, a list. A list of reasons to come back the next day.

It started with simple things like the daily hugs, constant "I love you"s, and getting a child to stop crying. Each day I would force myself to come up with at least one good reason to come back. I can't really recall much of the list. It only ended up being about 20 things long. But I do remember the last thing I wrote on the list.

The last thing I wrote on the list was....Joshua wrote his name today, all by himself.

The shy little, blonde haired, blue eyed, frustrated, angry boy full of ,"I can't"s and "I don't know how"s, had written his name. The whole class cheered for him that day and my eyes welled with prideful tears....MY Joshua, wrote his name!

I didn't need to keep the list anymore after that day. I knew why I was there.

As days and weeks passed, the story of Joshua perplexed me. He was very well kempt. Always clean. Nice clothes. Healthy wonderful snacks of fresh strawberries, cherry tomatoes and grapes that he would come to insist on sharing with me daily. Strawberries became our thing. Yet, it was obvious no one had (or was) really spent time with him to read to him, teach him his letters or numbers. He was intellectually neglected. I came to learn that he was the child of teen parents now only in their very early 20's who were now separated and angry with each other. Turns out that Joshua was basically being raised by his great grandmother, with whom his father also lived.

It took time for Joshua to trust...and then one day he came and stood next to me as I was typing on my computer. With his head bowed, he barely whispered...."Miss Garvis...I really like you." The next day, head still down, he whispered again...."Miss Garvis, I really really like you. I really really do". I would reply, "I really like you, too."

Over a few short days, his head lifted, his eyes brightened and looking me right in the eyes as he stood in front of me he said, "Miss Garvis, I love you. I really really love you" and threw himself into my arms.

My heart was his.

And so it began...every morning I was greeted with a genuine hug and an "I love you" and "I love you"s all through the day. Oh, and of course, he always needed to share his snack with me.

Joshua learned quickly and by January was headed towards getting put into my top reading group. He just need someone to invest in his intellectual growth.

And then came a very sad Monday in February. Joshua didn't come to school. Nor did he on Tuesday. His great grandmother informed me that his mother had taken him for her weekend of visitation and refused to bring him and his older sister back. Mom, who was living with her girl friend and was constantly being evicted and thus moving for not paying rent wanted the benefit of having children to garnish monetary benefits from the state.

Different counties, different laws, dad unable to drive up to get the kids, mom refusing to let them come home, blah, blah, blah..... Joshua was gone. I never got to say good-bye.

It took me a long time to accept that he was not coming back. Our class learned to move on without his presence.

With only nine days left in the school year, my classroom phone rang. The secretary was calling to inform me that I was getting a new student. My response was, "You're kidding me! So late in the year?" but she soon stopped my verbal frustrations and told me it was Joshua, that he was back and wouldn't be starting until the next day, but wanted to know if he could come down and see me. Of course.

Figuring it'd be best if I met him out in the hall where we would be alone, I asked someone to cover my class. He was a good 50 feet up the hall when he saw me and broke into a run jumping into my arms wrapping his arms and legs around me, squeezing tight, and not letting go. Roughly five minutes passed until he finally pulled back with tears streaming down his cheeks.....Tears streaming down my cheeks.

The next day was a different story. He was back to the shy, scared, untrusting little boy I had met back in September. His world had been pulled out from under him and he was afraid to open his heart again, lest he be pulled away.

His great grandmother and I spoke about it and she stated that if anyone could get him back, I could. I had nine days.....he had regressed so very much academically....and socially he was just so scared....but I got him back,(and his beautiful carefree smile) at least emotionally....took me about five days.

On the last day of school while I was out to lunch his great grandmother had come and left a dozen red roses on my chair with a note that they were from Joshua. When the kids came back from lunch I thanked Joshua for the beautiful roses that were from him. I asked him if he knew he was getting them for me. He said, "Of course, that's what you do when you really love somebody."

(to be continued....)