Although I hate to admit it, my self worth comes through the eyes of others. I know it should come from within....but that only gets me so far.
Throughout my life, when feeling lost and adrift I've been able to cling to at least one aspect in my life where I could garnish enough validation to get me through.
Isn't that all that any of us wants? A little validation from othere's eyes to let us know that our presence here in this world matters? That we matter to at least one? That we are a good friend, mother, lover, teacher, daughter.......?
So what happens when you feel as though you have nothing left which to cling? When you feel totally alone? Sure, you can look at the past and point to various accomplishments....I did this....I did that.....in the past I seemed to matter.....
But what about right now? Right in this moment, when the world is dark and there is naught but the sound of crickets, a cool breeze through the window and your thoughts to keep you company? When you want to sleep to escape the day but can't for fear of waking?
Sometimes the slightest touch or acknowledgment from another can reduce you to an emotional spicket that can't be shut off, so you wander through your day praying, hoping no one will see you, speak to you, touch you....but it's a double edge sword isn't it? You want, need the validation....but the source truly matters.
There are certain eyes in which we need to be viewed as good enough.....and when they seem to all be looking in another direction....anywhere but at you.....and you've been told or made to feel as though you are mot good enough....you just feel lost.....
Someone, please find me.....for as strong as I am and have had to be over the years....sometimes I need help getting back to shore.
8 comments:
you do capture the feelings well. been struggling with this myself particularly in light of recent events in my own life. go back and read the story of joshua....that's not old news in your life. you've mattered. you've made a difference. you've reached out in love and people have seen it and valued it. and though i don't know you in person, i've seen what you share here. you have a heart of love. keep reaching for shore, dragonfly...keep reaching.
Dear Dragonfly,
The source truly matters, doesn't it? And even though God validates you every day by giving you a cool breeze and the sound of crickets to cheer you on, or a beautiful view from a mountaintop, as Johnny Cash sang long ago, "flesh and blood needs flesh and blood..." sometimes you need that one special person to let you know that life is still worth it all, that there is joy and laughter yet to be had, that you don't have to go through trials on your own...
I can assure you that you are not alone in wanting "the right person" to validate you. It does little good if mere acquaintances give you encouraging words. While the sentiments are surely appreciated, different people give different types of energy and spur you on to do different things, meet different challenges. With the right person, no challenge is insurmountable, no hardship too great. Anything can be accomplished.
In the movie Excalibur, in the final battle scene, Lancelot returns and his presence motivates all around him, turning the tide of the battle. Not everyone can motivate us in just the right way at the right time... Lancelot is not always there to encourage, but we fight on just the same. It just seems that victory is much more assured with the right person by your side.
Richard Kipling, in his poem "If" http://www.poemhunter.com/poem/if/ talks about holding on "when there is nothing in you Except the Will which says....: "Hold on!""
So I say this to you, Dragonfly: Hold On. You have the strength and the will. And when the right person comes by your side and validates you in the struggles you face, and helps you to conquer these awful foes, it will give you a feeling of victory and joy like no other!! And you will be able to revel in the sharing of challenges together!! In the meantime, fight the fights before you and don't wilt in the face of adversity. You are strong. Don't be afraid. Don't ever give up.
Um... Sorry Dragonfly. Seems my autocorrect turned Rudyard Kipling into Richard... Hate to sound like a total hick, so I wanted to correct that... Maybe he had an older brother Richard?? Ahhh well.. Spehl czecher nose best...
Thank you both for your kind comments and sentiments.
Anon, thank you for your sweetness...the right person is not just one, but a combination of many...just the right one at the right time.....But you are correct also
in that when that one special person is in your life you do feel that nothing can defeat you. It is so empowering....and I do love me some Johnny!!!!
Lime, I feel for you. I understand completely the emotions and questioning of ones character you are experiencing due to recent events. I too am questioning everything around me. Change always takes a hit one one's self esteem whether the change is good or bad.
I had reread the Story of Joshua....several times....
Today, I received some, very much, needed validation. I was walking down the hall...Josh's class was coming towards me. He didn't see me, he was looking down....so as he approached I step right in front of him so he couldn't pass. Out of instinct, he stepped to the side to avoid the oncoming person, but I also stepped aside....at which point he looked up to see who was in his way. I got it!!!! That pure genuine, "I am so happy to see you" smile, followed by a big hug before we both had to head on our way. His smile was back...if only for a moment....my Joshua is coming back. God help me, I will do everything within my power to help that little boy feel safe and secure.
And in helping him find his safe shores....he is helping me.
At those times in my life when I have found myself utterly alone and questioning every aspect in my life, I've always had my "career confidence" to cling to....with that confidence shaken to its core.... I am struggling to stay afloat.....
Sleep evades me yet again...even with pills....the crickets are soothing... It tonight the owl's hoot goes unanswered....it's such a sad sound.... I know how he feels.
hang in there, dragonfly. just like joshua is finding his smile, you'll find yours.
and yes, feel free to put my verse on a picture if it helps. and thanks for the validation it letting me know it means something. ;)
((hugs))
I hurt for you and with you, Dragonfly.
I have been dismissed from my duties three times in my life. Being summarily removed from your job in the military - even wrongfully - is uniquely devastating. To have it happen three times in a career is a special kind of humiliation, each worse than the last. There are so many invested emotions: service to country, service to others, responsibilities to your comrades in arms, your subordinates, a sense of personal shame, the feeling that somehow you've disgraced the uniform of your country and all the generations that have come before you, that you've let all those who know you down. There are thoughts that somehow you have caused everyone shame for merely being associated with you, the fear that you can never undo the damage to your reputation, to your pride, to your honor. Regret at not being able to complete the important missions entrusted to you... So many painful emotions.
Does it matter that the actions and accusations levied against me were wrong? That I was eventually vindicated? They still caused many incomprehensible, gut-wrenching days, weeks, months, even years of grief and heartache and self-examination. Without someone to comfort, those are the loneliest of times indeed.
So, what have I learned from these occasions that might be of some profound use? Perhaps this: As much as I would like to be "the master of my fate, the captain of my soul," it is not I who am in control of my destiny. That things, however harsh and cruel they seem at the time, however unjust and unfounded, always happen for a reason, always have a greater purpose.
Does this knowledge ease the immediate pain and heartache and loss? In my case, the hurt each time seemed too great to overcome. Yet I overcame somehow, one day at a time, sometimes one hour, one minute at a time. Time and distance eventually eased the feelings of disgrace. And out of the turmoil, new situations arose with new and fascinating challenges. Eventually, official re-evaluation or renewed excellence in new positions overshadowed all that had come before.
When things are shaken up, it is hard to know who you are with any degree of confidence, but they settle eventually and as they say, the cream always rises to the top. You, Dragonfly, are cream. What is happening is not. When things settle out, you will remember who you are, you will regain your confidence and you will rise to the top. As you always have. As you always will. Thus says the wise old, lonely owl...
Lime...thank you. I feel privileged that you would allow me to use your verse. I do find it very comforting...in many ways.
Anon...thank you, as well. I think you hit the nail right on the head whe you said...you feel as though you have shamed everyone else merely for being associated with you. It is very humiliating....and I'ce come to realize that teaching and the military are very similar in many ways. They are both a service that requires gut wrenching dedication at times....thank goodness....at least where I am .....the bullets are directed at the local deer populations..... :)
The two of you have been a gift this week....I just can't thank you enough.
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