Dragonfly Whispers

Proactive Love....

2010-08-06T06:18:00.000-07:00

I like to read.... and there is one book that I have read and re-read at least four times. No, it isn't some trashy romance novel, action packed thriller or blood sucking vampire story. But within its pages it holds the power to generate the greatest romance of all time... every day life.

The book is The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen R. Covey. The copy I currently hold (not sure it was my first) was copyrighted in 1989. It possess the look of a book well read. And were you to turn a page or two you would noticed all the highlighted portions.

Mostly it speaks of being proactive and working towards being interdependent... a dream and goal I am ready and willing to achieve. But there is one section, barely more than a page, a little experience he shares that has stuck with me over the years. I refer to it as "Proactive Love" and do my best to love those in my life in this way.

He states....

"At one seminar where I was speaking on the concept of proactivity, a man came up and said, "Stephen, I like what you're saying. But every situation is so different. Look at my marriage. I'm really worried. My wife and I just don't have the same feelings for each other we used to have. I guess I just don't love her anymore and she doesn't love me. What can I do?"

"The feeling isn't there anymore?" I asked.

"That's right," he reaffirmed. "And we have three children we're really concerned about. What do you suggest?"

"Love her," I replied.

"I told you, the feeling just isn't there anymore."

"Love her."

"You don't understand. The feeling of love just isn't there."

"Then love her. If the feeling isn't there, that's a good reason to love her."

"But how do you love when you don't love?"

"My friend, love is a verb. Love - the feeling - is a fruit of love, the verb. So love her. Serve her. Sacrifice. Listen to her. Empathize. Appreciate. Affirm her. Are you willing to do that?"

In the great literature of all progressive societies, love is a verb. Reactive people make it a feeling. They're driven by feelings. Hollywood has generally scripted us to believe that we are not responsible, that we are a product of our feelings. But the Hollywood script does not describe the reality. If our feelings control our actions, it is because we have abdicated our responsibility and empowered them to do so.

Proactive people make love a verb. Love is something you do: the sacrifices you make, the giving of self, like a mother bringing a newborn into the world. If you want to study love, study those who sacrifice for others, even for people who offend or do not love in return. If you are a parent, look at the love you have for the children you sacrifice for. Love is a value that is actualized through loving actions. Proactive people subordinate feelings to values. Love, the feeling, can be recaptured."

I do my best to live a proactive life. And I do my best to love those whom I've been blessed to have in my life... be it by sending care packages, baking brownies, cooking a favorite meal, building a book shelf, calling in the midst of the day just to say hello.... what ever I can DO. After all a verb is an action word... and I like to take action, be proactive... Love Proactively.

Surprise from the past...

2010-07-27T08:24:00.000-07:00

When I was born we were a family of five living in a small single trailer in my grandmother's backyard. Being that my great-grandmother passed away just before I was born my parents eventually acquired the homestead and we moved down the hill, into the garage (being far more spacious than the trailer) and my Daddy got to work on upgrading the house so that we could live in it.

Over the next two years Daddy did everything from stripping the stairs, painting, enlarging the fireplace, building book shelves, adding a whole new kitchen with beautiful wooden beams overhead, and putting in a powder room and laundry where the old walk in oven used to be.

That was a long time ago.

For years I've been on my mom to allow me to redo the powder room and laundry. She has finally given her consent. I've chosen the colors, new fixtures, toilet, sink, flooring, refinished my great-grand father's old shaving mirror from the early 1900's and finally... got the contractor.

First the powder room was completed. It looks amazing, just needs a bit of detail work that I intend to get to shortly.

We are now working on the laundry room... or I should say he is. As much as I want to watch his every move in order to learn, this job is beyond my skills and I try to stay out of his way.

That being said... he came to get me and asked if my father's name was Donald. He had found something and wanted to show me.

My mother's name is also Lydia. Unfortunately the rest of the message continues under the wall and into the powder room where it was not necessary to go that far down with the demolition.

Touching my Daddy's words touched my heart. I took photos so I could show my mother. She was never aware of his writing the message. The "bilt in" date was easy... it would be 1963. It was the PSA that took a little more thought.

At first my mother was a little perplexed and then between the both of us... all the pieces came together. Daddy was a religious man... when I suggested that it was the beginning of the word Psalms, she looked at her wedding ring and simply said, "I know."

When they were married he had their wedding bands engraved with Psalms 48:14.
For this God is our God forever and ever; he will be our guide even unto death. He was blessing the house and all those who would reside within.

Post script: That which I found endearing, was that when my father passed away he and I were in the midst of redoing my bedroom. When contractors were hired, before they put the paneling on the walls, under the window I wrote a message on the plywood to Daddy and left a date, 1976. It must be genetic.

It was difficult to allow the words to be covered again. It is so rare that I encounter a piece of my father. It was such a gift.

Baby blues....

2010-07-27T08:09:00.000-07:00

Maybe the reason I enjoy peaking into their nests so much is because my own is empty...

but I do find the numerous relationships about my yard fascinating... and their results magical.

Fallen Hero....

2010-07-23T09:53:00.000-07:00

Was it last night? Perhaps two days ago when I caught a two minute segment of the news announcing that another young American solider had been killed in Iraq. The Freedom Riders (?) a group of motorcyclist rode to his home to show support.

What captured my attention was first, the he was just a boy in my eyes... 26... but one year older than my first son. Secondly, that he was from Northampton, the town in which I work, just a few miles from where I live.

For the first time this war hit close to home. I couldn't help but wonder if my boys might have known him. And my God, what his mother must be feeling.

Today I hopped in my car to run a quick errand that took me to a little strip mall at Frank's Corner... When I came out of the shop I heard the rumble of the bikes, too many to count. Initially I thought, "what a great day for a ride" and glanced in the direction they were headed. At the corner there was a police car stopping traffic so that they might get through without interruption. My thoughts again went to the ride... it must be special of some sort... but nothing registered.

It was then that I started to watch the long line of motorcycles. I got into my car which was facing the road. As I started the car and headed to the exit of the lot the song Freebird came on the oldies station that was dialed in. Once I reached the exit I had time to start processing everything I was seeing. Behind the motorcycles were cars, many of which had American flags attached to their windows, everyone's lights and flashers were on.... and then came the fire truck draped in black and purple and I realized that I was witness to a funeral procession. And then it became clear as to who's procession I was in witness thereof.

I put my car in park and watched in awe... and in time found myself sobbing. I did not see the hearse, the family as it followed or the beginning of the bikes... but the portion I did see lasted the entire length of the song. It's a ten minute song. The words of which could not have been more appropriate for the occasion. I was no more able to turn off the radio than to stop the line of cars in front of me. All I could do was wipe away the tears that came freely.

Without a doubt I was witness to the procession of the fallen hero from Northampton. May his family be comforted by the outpouring of love on his behalf.

As I pulled out onto the road I glanced over at the strip mall. People had come out of the shops to also bear witness. I cannot imagine that anyone who bore witness to this event was not moved deeply, if not to tears.

May God welcome him with open arms and surround those left behind.

Let this not be another forgotten war. Bring them home. Safe.

Happy Independence Day to Me!!!

2010-06-30T08:36:00.000-07:00

I have now been divorced long enough that I could have grown a complete adult!!! Oh... wait... I have... I grew me!

When I think about where I was 18 years ago... on my own, three little babies, no job and a house and car to pay for.... dang!

I have learned... I have grown... I have become a woman I love and respect.

A short piece written in the past.... I feel it today more than when first written in 2008!!!

I will no longer apologize...

I will no longer apologize... for being me.

I am a passionate, sensual woman...
who feels things deeply...
who experiences life through all five senses... all the time....
who likes to create and write as a way of processing feelings or experiences...
who is loving and giving....
who is open and unafraid of exploring emotions....
who appreciates....
who is intelligent and capable of debate....
who is curious....
who can handle herself around power tools....
who is willing to work...

Who deserves to be loved for the amazing woman she has become....

I AM WOMAN.... HEAR ME ROAR..... purrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr...............

Apples no more.....

2010-06-23T10:43:00.001-07:00

Enough!!!

2010-06-18T15:57:00.001-07:00

Okay... so I am all about live and let live... love even the smallest of the small ... and everything has a place and purpose... but enough already!!! They have no natural predator!!! Why not?

I realize it is year 10 of the cycle, so the numbers will go down next spring.... but I don't want them moving in for the winter. And with the numbers increasing so rapidly and it not even summer yet.... something's got to give.

And so, I've had to take drastic measures.... what I find most interesting is that which gives life back to all the oil stricken animals of the Gulf, takes the life of the Nymphs of the North.

Add some Dawn dish washing detergent to water in a spray bottle and give them a shot. I must say that I am/was relieved... it pretty much stops them in their tracks without much suffering. There are other methods, but those seem more cruel.

I still find them fascinating....but enough!!!

The end is here....

2010-06-16T13:26:00.000-07:00

Last year, I wasn't sure how the tree managed to produce fruit. The bark was falling off, bugs burrowed into the cambian layer, and animals were hollowing out the heartwood making its trunk their home.

When the blossoms came this spring I was beyond elated. Once again, Great Grammy was providing for yet a fourth generation. The apple tree she brought here in 1911 bloomed, danced with the bees, and began developing fruit.

With only one side of the tree still alive the tiny apples began to form and grow in size and weight. The trunk that once could bear the uneven load, can bear it no more. A week or so ago it was noted that the tree has broken from the ground and lifted as the apples continue to increase their volume.

I measure the separation distance daily. I keep an eye on the telephone lines that seem to be the only thing keeping the tree upright. I watch the leaves for curling. And the fruit for changes in color and size. It is our hope that the tree will survive the few weeks still needed to complete this years harvest.

It would be such a shame to have come this far in the season and not be able to bring it to fruition. (hmmmm... just look at that word... fruit i on) At this point there is no sign of it giving up. It seems to be rather feisty... just like the woman who brought it here.

Once the apples have dropped (I dare not even think of trying to pluck them from their locations) the phone company will be notified and the tree reduced to pieces, lying in a pile by the side of the road.

If any quality wood can be salvaged I intend to craft it into something that will remain and still be able to be passed through the generations. Not sure just what yet... I've got to see what the tree will gift me with this one last time.

I had so hoped the tree would last just one more year... but it would seem as though we will have to settle for 99.... as the end is here... whether we want it to be or not.

Baffling box elders!!!!

2010-06-12T17:47:00.000-07:00

Around my house it's pretty much "live and let live" unless you are a spider in my sink, bathtub or crawling over the ceiling above me at 2 a.m. ready to conduct a covert operation by sliding down a strand of webbing to attack!

Recently, during a friend's visit, notice was taken of the little red critters that were making their way up the side of the grill, I suspect to get first dibs on dinner. I was asked what they were, but honestly had never taken the time to figure it out. I was aware that I had box elder bugs, but these seemed to be different. I simply stated that I didn't know but showed my guest how they are everywhere! I said, "just watch the rocks... they start to move." Sure enough when you take the time to truly look, the river rocks that surround my house are crawling with little red bugs.... all rather similar, but varying in size and detail.

I woke the following morning to an e-mail containing the identification of my little red guests.... they are... the... "ever changing box elder nymphs."

I immediately went outside. Upon closer examination I wondered how I could have ever missed the connection?!?! Of course they were!! Although varying in size and shape they all had that tell tale candy red abdomen with the bright yellow spot in the center as though kissed by the sun. Even the tiniest of nymphs had the sun spot.

Now my curiosity was ignited!
In my search to find out "what eats box elder bugs?" This is what I found out....

~ We are their only natural predator.
~ They increase in numbers (due to the males) over a ten year cycle and apparently we are on year ten, which would explain why I've been seeing more and more of them as of late.
~ They will travel for several miles to find a warm place to stay for the winter.
~ They will enter your home if they can get in.
~ Their scat will stain your curtains and if you squash them they emit an offensive odor.

~ They like rocks and the crevices they contain.
~ They eat Box elder and Maple tree seeds.
~ Their piercing sucking proboscis can penetrate flesh and cause an irritation.

~ They can drown.
~ Once the first frost hits, they will go away in search of a warm winter shelter.

Mostly, I just find them fascinating to watch. They are exceptionally sensitive to vibrations and scatter rather quickly.

My research did also present various ways to rid your house of them... but the way I see it... I've got flower beds and river rocks full of Maple tree seeds... start munching already!!!

Untangle Yourself....

2010-06-11T16:42:00.000-07:00

Many years back my boys bought me a white wisteria vine for Mother's day. It was planted and grew next to a wooden arbor. Over the years the vine and arbor became so entwined that it became difficult to tell where one ended and the other began, both shaped and forever altered by the other's presence.

Tonight it was noted that a new relationship has begun. A grape vine has become enamored with the wisteria wrapping its delicate tendrils seductively about it's trunk garnishing life as it grows. The new relationship finds both plants flourishing from its existence as they entwine themselves growing in new directions yet still shaped by the past.

So it also goes with us. Throughout our lives we find ourselves entwined in relationships so intimate that they shape our very existence and encourage growth in new directions. And even though those relationships may be replaced by another... we remain forever altered... the past molding our present. As much as we may wish it possible, we are unable to untangle ourselves completely from the past carrying it with us forward as we reach out in different directions entwining ourselves with someone new.... changing.... learning...growing as we go.

Colors of life....

2010-06-06T16:29:00.000-07:00

The last unit I teach for the year is on birds. I teach my students how to identify them by noting; size, song, behavior, field marks and color. The last of these items "color" always leads to the discussion about why the males are so bright (to attract a mate, proving himself strong and capable being that he can stand out and still survive) and the females are more dull, most often brown (allowing them to blend in and camouflage themselves while sitting on the nest).

This conversation tends to lead to the comparison between humans and birds and the question as to why it is that with humans, women are the ones to don the bright colors and put on the makeup (versus nuptial plumage) to impress.

In the bird world it is the female that chooses the mate. Whereas with us, it has become more the males job to choose his female.

Putting the whole "who chooses who" aside... the conversations got me thinking about myself... and the colors of my life and perhaps why I dress the way I do. I tend to like brown. It makes me feel safe, grounded, connected to the earth. I don't like to dress in bright colors that would cause me to stand out. I like to blend in to the background.

Maybe I was a bird in a previous life. Maybe that is why I have not yet been chosen....

Goals...

2010-04-23T04:31:00.000-07:00

Goals are simply... Dreams with a Deadline....

Obstacles... are what you see when you take your eyes off your goal.

**Thank you to my son for his inspiring adventure and photos.**

A Night by the Ocean....

2010-04-20T17:47:00.000-07:00

This past week I took a road trip in an attempt to find beauty along the back roads and to lose myself in the journey. I traveled through the Catskill Mountains, The Adirondacks, The Green Mountains, the White Mountains and eventually I ended up on the coast of Maine... Late at night, the sky was black with but a sliver of a waxing moon occasionally visible through the thick clouds that were determined to share their contents...

The rocky path leading down to the beach was barely visible and slippery... once on the remote isolated beach my thoughts and emotions started to swirl and churn as much as the surf and by the time I was finished walking I just wanted to yell as loud as I could. I wanted to scream, let go of inhibitions and release all that was within me... except I didn't have the words.

On my drive home the following morning I found the words within a song... within this song....

Sure wish I could sing.

Mam-mam's eggs... slightly enhanced

2010-04-02T18:47:00.000-07:00

When I was a little girl, there were certain things or traditions that were done to celebrate Easter... there was the Easter cake, butter in the shape of little lambs, sunrise services, breakfast at Grammy's, Moravian sugar cake and of course the coloring of Easter eggs with q-tips and food coloring.

The coloring of the eggs was always a fun, albeit messy, event. I'm not sure which ended up with more colors on it... the eggs or me. And when the task was done the various designs would intrigue me.... but that which really captured my attention were the eggs that my grandmother used to make.

She would cook her eggs with the skins from the onions in her pantry which would leave the shells a solid hazel nut brown color. And when rubbed with just the slightest of oil they would take on a soft sheen. To me, they were a special treat and hold the fondest of memories.

As I got older and had children of my own, I too wanted to color eggs and make memories with them. I think we might have done the old food coloring and q-tips at least once or twice, but they didn't hold the rich brown color I so desired. I could have made the brown eggs with the boys, but lets be honest.... just peeling onion skins to put into a pot just didn't rate very high on the "fun factor".

I wanted designs... and so we sought out to find the best designs nature could provide.

Easter comes fairly early in the growing season so the boys and I scoured the back yard for tiny plants and leaves that were just starting to grow. I figured if I were to put the plants on the eggs, manage to hold them in place and then cook the eggs... when I took the leaves off it would leave a design behind.

We were amazed at how many little plants were actually around. Figured out that some old, clean, cut up pantyhose and twist ties would hold the leaves in place. Cooked the eggs to perfection (bring the water to a quick boil, reduce the heat and simmer for 20 minutes) And crossed our fingers.... It worked!!!!

Mam-mam's eggs.... slightly enhanced.... became a new tradition. Hunting for the plants was as much fun as an egg hunt.

*~*

With the boys scattered to the wind the past few years I haven't taken the time to make the eggs. This year... all the boys were coming home and so the spirit of Easter and all its traditions returned.

I let the eggs sit out to get room temperature while I hunted for plants. I adorned them and tied each one like a tiny fragile present. Cooked them to perfection. Cleaned them. And finally, rubbed a touch of oil on the warm shells to make them shine.

When my youngest son (who brought his girlfriend home with him) discovered the eggs, he smiled with surprised delight and stated that he had just mentioned the eggs to his girlfriend noting that I hadn't made them in a few years.

You never really know what you do that sticks in the hearts of your children. I do know that his reaction sticks in my heart.

Someday perhaps I will have a granddaughter that remembers my eggs with fondness, too.

Remembering Dakota.....

2010-01-25T17:56:00.000-08:00

The following is a piece I wrote last year. It was my way of dealing with intense emotions that I didn't know how to channel. As a result, this piece has traveled far... it was shared with Dakota's parents and they in turn shared it with many and were appreciative. In some small way... I feel blessed that I might have touched their hearts with my words.

When the sun rises in the morning it will be just another day for me... but for Dakota's parents... it will again be a day filled with unbearable grief grasping the depth of their souls as they recall the events of last year. My thoughts and prayers are with them.

The Silence... of someone lost.

This week, so far (and it is only half way over) has been a week of which no teacher dreams. In fact, it is our prayer that we will never have to experience it... but at times …we do.

Monday morning I was running a bit behind... not late, but in four minutes I would have been... as I drove up the hill to the school, the normal hum of the busy bee hive was evident, students walking to school, buses in line waiting to drop off their load, parents dropping off, teachers driving in, crossing guards and security.... funny... that word "security" as I just typed it struck me as funny... ironic... schools are supposed to be a safe place... parents take it for granted that from the moment their students board the bus or travel in and are dropped off that they will be safe and secure.....

As I got to the top of the hill I was concerned because the guard that usually directs traffic was not in position and cars were paying no head to the stop signs... then I saw him 15 feet or so over with an odd look on his face, talking on his radio.... as I continued around the school no more than a length of a school bus away, there in the street laid a large gray/black lump... motionless... silent....

Since I was busy watching where I was driving, attempting not to hit anyone crossing before me, buses on the right, parked cars on the left, kids everywhere, just trying to get to my parking space.... it wasn't registering.... what was that in the road? It was too big for a duffel bag and why would it be in the road?... and there was a bus in front of it... why would it be behind a bus? How did the buses get around it? Why didn't anyone pick it up, get it out of the way? How am I going to get into my parking space today? She parked too close to the line again and with the buses on my right I can't make the cut....

I got out of my car; my mind confused trying to make sense of everything I had seen. When I got to the sidewalks I happened across a former student on her way to the high school... She greeted me and I said, "Lexi, something's not right"..... in fact, as I entered the building... within moments I came to learn that indeed something was not right... in fact... it was all wrong....

Kids were goofing around... boys will be boys as they say.... one pushed the other and some how Dakota ended up under the back wheels of the bus just as the bus was pulling forward.... The silent -motionless- too big to be a duffel bag- lump was Dakota... lying lifeless in the street.... he did not survive.

He was one of the 120 or so students charged to me, our team of teachers, to nurture, educate and mold on his way to becoming an adult....

We broke all the rules on Monday. We hugged them. We touched them. We prayed (with permission) with them. Tears caressed our cheeks in front of them.

As I try desperately to process what I've seen and experienced I am left with a string of poignant "moments of silence".....

The first.... the silence in my car as I passed his quiet body lying in the fetal position. Thinking back it felt like for that moment in time I was moving in slow motion and there was a hush... lips were moving, people were talking... but I was in my car, no radio... just silence.

We knew that Dakota was hurt, but, it wasn't until after we taught our first class and sent the students off to their "specials" (art, gym, etc) that we (our team of teachers) learned that Dakota didn't survive. We sat in a circle, silent, as our team leader lead us in a prayer for his family, silent as our administrators walked in on our actions and joined us, silent as we lifted our heads and looked for guidance.

We were told it was the parent's wishes that we not say anything to the students... so we dried our tears, pulled ourselves together and welcomed them back into our classes with a silence of knowledge. It wasn't more than a half hour later that counselors were in place, his parents had changed their minds, our silence would be broken... shattered.....

I entered one room just as the students were informed.... they were sitting in their seats in rows.... tears forming in their eyes looking like caged birds ready to burst.... I gave them permission to fly (move) and fly they did... flocking to the comfort of each other's arms....

The boys struggled at first.... torn between wanting to be a man and being the child that they are....they sat segregated... and silent... another moment. Why does society teach boys that tears are a sign of weakness?

I sat in silence with Heather as she told me how she saw his face after it happened.... it was turning gray, then blue... she thinks that perhaps he died while she was watching. I don't know. I have no answers for her. I'm the teacher... I'm supposed to have all the answers... and this week.. we have none.

There was silence as we sat with them throughout the rest of the day.

There was silence as we walked our babies out to their buses... the sidewalks lined with all extra personnel, their backs to the street to keep the media at bay....

There was silence in the faculty meeting where they thanked us for our cooperation throughout the day.

There was silence as I walked out of the building for the last time on Monday and saw the bus loaded onto a flatbed waiting to be taken away as evidence in a homicide case.

There was silence as I called in to tell my second job that I was running late because of all that had happened..... "he was one of yours?" finally broke the airwaves...followed by... "don't even think about coming in."

There was silence when I got home.... my children to far away to hold... my dog... not much of a conversationalist.

There was silence within me as I walked through the grocery store buying everything I needed to go home and make soup that I will deliver to my boys, hundreds of miles away, and hug them in the process.

And then, God Bless her... my mother sat with me in silence as I recanted the day and stayed to help me chop vegetables for the soup.

There was silence Tuesday morning as I stood in my kitchen convincing myself that I had to drive in... that I would not see the same thing,

There was silence as a small group gathered around a tree close to the site to lay flowers, card and candles.

There was silence as the students filtered into the school.... close to 900 12-14 year olds and not a sound other than their footsteps.

There was silence in my homeroom. The kids decided we should all wear something black to show our unity and in remembrance... the homeroom period was extended for nearly half an hour so that we could assess which students would require additional counseling... but how could we? They all just sat there in total silence... not because they were told to... but because they could not yet speak for themselves... eventually my stomach started to turn.. the silence was so intense I started to feel as though I wanted to vomit.... on the brink of tears...I had to walk out into the hall... there I found another teacher, also trying to escape from the silence in her room.

First period wasn't ready... nor was I.... the other classes had to catch up from the day before... so we chose a video and sat together in silence.... I don't think any of us will recall what was on that tape.

Second period as our students went to their specials our team was "debriefed". Another moment of silence as they asked us to process (within the next 40 minutes) the prior day's events. Where do you begin? When, if ever, will it end?

As we finally started to break the silence sharing our version, our stories, our connections to the tragic day.... the ache in my heart grew. Initially I hurt for Dakota's family, the bus driver, the few students that I knew who had witnessed it, the child who's push sent the moments of silent into motion... and his family. But the tragedy grows with knowledge... initially I hadn't realized that there were still kids on the bus.... they said it felt like they were going over a speed bump... for the rest of their lives each and every time they encounter a speed bump it will become a child instead. I ache for all of them. A former student with whom I am close... sought me out to talk... he actually saw it happen and ran to pound on the doors of the bus to get it to stop. I ache for him. I told him that he can always come to me to talk if he'd like.. that I am here for him... he politely said, "thank you." It seemed to make a difference.... I ache for my fellow teachers.... the kids will be coming back in 5 minutes... time for more silence... pull yourselves together...

The rest of the school day I made an attempt to break some of the moments of silence. I got out one of my wiggliest snakes... he does not like to just sit in my lap, but to try to slither through my belt loops, up my sleeves or into my bracelets.... as I gave the briefest of notes, walking about the room... he was in my hands... doing all the things that he likes to do... it made the students giggle and smile.... and with 10-15 minutes left in each class period... it got them to get up out of their seats... to come and play with the snake and to talk....

Dismissal once again had a sound to it.... more like a low whisper than the usual roar....

Silence returned for me last night as I came home, once again to an empty house... the phone rang... but I didn't feel much like talking....

This morning we are blessed with another moment of silence.... 4-8 inches snow that has canceled school... it blankets the earth with warmth.... it will put out the candles burning in front of the school and cover the cards and letters.... parents and students will be trapped inside their homes long enough to hug, cry, appreciate each other's presence, and get back to being on each other's nerves.... the snow is also a gift to the teachers, a moment of silence with no required destination or limitation.... where we can sit and try to process all the moments of silence amidst the noise of hearts breaking, lives changing, babies forced to grow up too fast.

There will be many more moments of silence, almost too difficult to bear... the calling hours.... the pending services on Saturday, that will now be held instead of Dakota's 13th birthday party... the memorial service being planned at school.... the moment we say our final good-bye and start our lives without Dakota.... the moments of reflection that I hope will make me a better teacher.... the silence.... of someone lost.

1/28/2009

Post script:
These words… “please join in a moment of silence” for me, have forever taken on a new meaning…..words, which in the past I heard, but did not feel. I now feel and hear with my heart. I hear them with a deafening silence.
I heard them as the entire school congregated in the gymnasium, chatting endlessly as the students awaited the beginning of the memorial service and came to an abrupt, immediate silence the moment our Principal stepped towards the podium.
And I heard them, after the service came to a close and we filed out of the building, gathering around the flag pole to release 13 balloons (one for each trip Dakota made around the sun… too few trips). The snow seemed to let up just long enough, but the cold was gripping and yet… not a sound.

The students and staff stood, turning in silence to follow the balloons as they drifted out over the Valley and remained in silence, motionless, tears warming our cold cheeks….
They had, for the moment, lost their voices again. I wanted desperately to hear them. I wanted to say the Lord’s Prayer and have all join me creating a sound so loud Dakota would have to hear it in heaven. Not allowed. I spoke in it my soul as the winter winds carried the balloons. And then I smiled, what would be even better would have been to sing Happy Birthday. I thought it might help them to find their voices again, but it was not my decision to make. Instead we stood in silence, not wanting to move, wanting desperately to prolong the moment we would start our lives again without Dakota as part of them, not wanting to take our eyes off of what we’d convinced ourselves were still the balloons in sight…. Not wanting to break the moment of silence.

Embrace the noise.

2/6/2009

Every Other Kiss....

2010-01-24T18:52:00.000-08:00

At the moment we find the courage to experience our first kiss, we feel (as romantic young hearts and minds do) that it will be experienced with the one and only person we will ever kiss. And then comes the second person and the third person and possibly the twenty-third person... :)

We may or may not experience many kisses in our lives... but at some point there will be that one kiss... from that one person... which every other kiss will be compared.

We will remember, crave and try to replicate the way it took our breath away, made us weak in the knees, our heart beat faster.... its taste.... the way it seemed to unite two individuals melding them into one body, down to one soul....

The souls may be torn apart or go their separate ways by choice... but it is a kiss impossible to forget. One that will linger for years... as long as one of the two lovers still breathes.

Beauty found.....

2010-01-24T18:50:00.001-08:00

Last weekend I traveled to Cambridge, MA to finally celebrate Christmas with my son and his wife. I'm not one to go into cities. I find them loud, bright, confusing, scary, dirty, filled with too many people and not enough green. I don't like that at night when I look up stars are replaced by street lights and owl's hoots are drowned out by the sounds of cars and sirens.

I usually "stop by" more than stay and visit... but this trip was done so in the spirit of Christmas and so I was determined, this time, to find the beauty in my son's environment.

It began with my children themselves.... they had left their little tree up and decorated, had garland hanging from the fireplace and played Christmas music to set the mood. I'm not sure if they just hadn't yet made the time to un-decorate... but I like to think that they kept it up waiting for me. The beauty I found there was in their hearts.

The following morning we decided to go to the Science Museum and Aquarium. We talked about taking the T (train/subway) but I really wanted to walk. Not only had I never been on a USA subway before, but I wanted to see Cambridge, even if the Museum was 2 1/2 miles away....the sun was shining brightly and that's really not all that far... at least not when I'm walking amongst the corn fields.

After the Museum and eating lunch, we took the T (I would have walked 5 more miles to avoid it) due to the late hour and wanting to get as much time in the Aquarium as possible.

By the time we left the Aquarium it had gotten dark but even then... I was determined to see the beauty in the city. I found it... but I must admit... my heart pounded as we had to take a long desolate walk back to the train station... where surprisingly, I found comfort once inside.

The train ride back to Harvard Square was much more quiet and less crowded. I found myself unable to take my eyes off a gentleman that entered the train with us. He was handsome, my age at least, a bit gray around the temples wearing a long wool dark gray trench coat and backpack. He seemed sad... lonely. His face, although handsome, had deep creases around his mouth that made him look as though he held a perpetual frown. I couldn't help but think how much more handsome he would look if he would just smile..... He must have felt my eyes upon him because he looked my way. I smiled at him and he replied in kind.... he was indeed handsome with a smile upon his face... but it was fleeting. His eyes shifted, his face once again solemn and then he was gone walking down the street as the train pulled away...I unable to see anything other than his backpack. But it was there... the beauty was there and I couldn't help but be excited to get back to the apartment and review the images I had captured... some only in my mind... but some good enough to share.

The following day Aaron and I once again walked through the city down by the river. The sun was no longer shining as a storm was heading our way the clouds announcing it's arrival. But walk we did... find more beauty, I did.

Part of me did not want to leave. I wanted to continue to explore like a curious child. But, I'll be back... and next time with eager anticipation! Beauty really can be found where ever you go... you just have to look for it.

Ever so gentle, beautiful and graceful... The Leafy Sea Dragon.....

A little extra jelly.....

Entertaining....

2009-12-20T19:33:00.000-08:00

Getting in the spirit....

2009-12-14T07:41:00.001-08:00

To One and All....

Have a Bear-y Merry Christmas!!!!

The Joyful Sounds of the Season...

2009-12-08T16:04:00.000-08:00

You have to admit... this one makes you smile... :)

December 6, 1976....

2009-12-06T17:31:00.000-08:00

A few months prior, my Mom caved in and Daddy bought me a puppy. Oh how I promised to take care of that puppy... train it... walk it... feed it....

Well, she was a very good puppy, except that she liked to get into the trash. The evening of the 5th Daddy warned me that if she got into the trash one more time he was going to put HER into a garbage bag!!!

With that he tucked me in and kissed me good night.

The next morning I woke up and nothing felt right.... Daddy had already left for work... Mom was up and about.... I went downstairs to check on my puppy... and sure enough... there she sat... up to her neck in a white garbage bag with a red pull tie gently tied in a bow.

I took her out of the bag and held her.... but something else just wasn't right.

I asked my mother's permission to stay home from school. I just didn't feel well. Couldn't say why... but I knew something was wrong. She let me.

I went back to bed tossing restlessly... it was mid morning and for some reason I got up to look out the window. With that I watched as my mother pulled into the driveway. There was no reason to suspect... but I knew.... before anyone told me.... without a doubt in my heart... I knew that Daddy had died.

December 6, 1976.

Although it was 33 years ago... on this day... I am 14 and wake to the familiar silence all over again as if it were yesterday. Some wounds/aches, no amount of time can heal....

This year, the day was blessed with a coating of snow... as the sun rose it warmed and melted the ice, but not before I could admire the early morning rays glinting off the branches.... Daddy would have been pleased with this day... and proud that Abbey doesn't get into the trash... at least not often.

Let it snow...

2009-12-06T16:30:00.000-08:00

When the boys were born and each year since, at Christmas I would buy them a keepsake ornament. The forethought was that upon their wedding day I would give them their box of ornaments so that they would have a part of home to start their new life with, their first Christmas together.

It's always been a fun and exciting time each year to see what their ornaments looked like. And as we decorated the tree together each year, they would un-box and unwrap their treasures to hang upon the tree... and when the time came... they would re-wrap and re-box their ornaments to await another year.

One by one the boys went off to college leaving less of us at home to decorate the tree... until it came down to only me.... and then last year Aaron got married and his ornaments went to be with him. (Boy, was that a much tougher gift to wrap than I anticipated)

So with the boys' permission I now get to decorate the tree the way I like.... and I love snow!!!!

So each year my tree is covered with all sorts of snowflakes, icicles and snowballs....

And yesterday.... as I began to decorate my tree.... it began to snow... a wonderful heavy, wet, coat everything, bring the world to a halt with a hush...kind of snow...
it was delightful.

Tis' the season.... almost

2009-11-29T17:52:00.000-08:00

It's a start...

Good-bye's are the hardest thing of all...

2009-11-29T17:10:00.000-08:00

Some say that preparing for everyone's arrival, getting the house cleaned, cooking all the food, cleaning up afterward... that this is the hard part.... I disagree....

Saying good-bye is the hardest part.... Watching the boy and his dog.... knowing that I will not see them again for weeks, maybe months... that is the hardest part... it leaves tears in my eyes long after they have gone.

The Face of Confusion....

2009-11-17T07:20:00.000-08:00

It was bound to happen... eventually the two would have to meet. My greatest fear.... Abbey would mistake Shila for a groundhog. My greatest hope... it would be friends at first sight and they would romp and play until the sun set and they were made to come in to go to bed.

It was neither. Granted, I was very pleased that Abbey did not take one look at her, think... "chew toy", grab her, shake the life out of her and attempt to bury her before I could see what she was doing.

But I was hoping for a little more... It was simply hours of total confusion!!! Abbey simply kept trying to smell Shila attempting to figure out, "What the hell is this thing?"

Shila clung close to the side of her loving Daddy, eventually ran a bit with him, and.... smiled for the camera!!!!

Abbey is still confused... but the holidays are coming.... looks like she'll be getting another chance to figure it all out. Maybe Shila should take a bath before coming back!!!

Amethyst Insides....

2009-11-17T05:17:00.000-08:00

This summer, on my way back from playing with the bears in MN I took the Northern route through Canada. We stopped at two different Amethyst mines and dug for gems. It was loads of fun. Benjamin and I would sift and dig through the dirt in hopes of locating a precious point or unique vein of colorful crystals.

It was also very educational. I learned how the amethyst "vugs" are formed. Basically, as a result of the earth being shaken to the core, the rocks crack leaving fissures behind. Then, with the right conditions and mineral saturated water... the fluids slowly work their way into the crevasses and replace the openings with beautiful crystals of varying colors that also once again strengthens the broken earth.

I brought home with me, several pieces, both large and small. I seem to admire these crystals daily as my mind takes a path of whimsy.

Over the years, on several occasions, my world has been shaken to its core. My heart broken, left exposed and gaping. I'd like to think... that with time... and the right conditions.... love will saturate the crevasses of my heart filling them with beautiful crystals and making it once again, strong. The heart, once broken made even more beautiful for the experience.

Lost Diamonds....

2009-10-20T06:07:00.000-07:00

I've never been one much for fancy jewelry. I've never had the money to splurge on diamonds, nor have the men in my life... I didn't mind. But there was one thing I did always secretly wish for.... a pair of diamond stud earrings... nothing terribly big, just simple elegance, given out of love.

A few years ago, I got my wish. Not only was I given diamond stud earrings, they were presented at the conclusion of a surprise birthday party with both my family and his in attendance.

It was at the moment that I put the diamonds in my ears that I understood the phrase, "Diamonds are a girl's best friend." But it wasn't the crystals set in white gold that the phrase spoke of.... it was my best friend.... the man whom I was dating... he was my diamond, my best friend.... and the crystals in my ears represented that friendship. It was that connection that made the diamonds so special to me.

I wore the earrings every day since receiving them.... even after the friendship came to a hurtful conclusion. They remained a symbol of what is important and the possibilities, if one puts for the effort.

A few days ago, after getting out of the shower and looking in the mirror, I realized that I had lost one of the diamonds. It must have gotten caught when I was washing my hair and swept down the drain with the lather.

My head and heart sank. I felt sad and defeated.... one last connection to the future lost to the past. Some days I feel that no matter how diligent I am, I am traveling backwards yet forced to go forward.

It got me thinking...

I've lost several diamonds over the years... some see only lumps of coal... but when I can see the good and potential in a person's heart, even if others or they themselves can't... then that is a stone to cherish.

I am grateful for all the diamonds/coal that I've found along my path of life... they've added sparkle, warmth or both.

It's a girl!!!

2009-10-18T05:18:00.000-07:00

My son Benjamin adopted a little girl yesterday. She was orphaned, left to roam the streets, and only somewhere between 2 and 3 years old.

She is so frightened, but already looks at him with pleading eyes and wants to follow him every where. As soon as he leaves the room she starts to cry. In him, she finds comfort, safety, warmth and love.... she is so shy and sweet. She doesn't smile.

Of course, as soon as I heard the news I had to run to Philly to see the new baby and bring blankets, toys, a baby gate to keep her safe and many other things he might not yet even realize that he is going to need.

He's going to have his hands full... it's not like he has gotten her right from the womb to nurture, love and mold... she is going to require special love and attention to help her erase those feelings and lessons of abandonment...

Her name is Shila... and already she has won over my heart...

Friday's Live on Oprah

2009-10-16T17:50:00.000-07:00

Last Friday Chris Rock was on Oprah Live. Normally I don't give much thought or attention to Oprah, but boredom and exhaustion found me on the couch for a few minutes and the remote was within reach.

Oprah was discussing recent headlines with Chris Rock. The topic of David Letterman's infidelity surfaced. Chris, always with a joke at the ready did not find humor in the situation. Not only did he not make a joke, but he spoke words that I found rather profound and have been thinking about this entire week.

He said, "When you cheat on your wife, you're cheating on your children. You need to make home right."

This is so true. I made my home right 16 years ago. So often people stay for the sake of the children. I got out for their sake. I needed to fix my home and if I hadn't, it would have cheated them of their successful future.

I'm not saying that staying isn't sometimes the right choice... but whatever your choice.... you need to be in it's presence and give it your complete attention and commitment. Commitment, is a choice.

It's not always easy... however... Only if you are present can you be true to all those involved, including yourself... and most importantly, your children.

Snowflakes keep falling on my head....

2009-10-16T16:30:00.000-07:00

What a delightful surprise... as I walked out of work the sensation of impending snow was unmistakable....by the time I got home the heavy wet flakes were falling like rain.

Abbey and I danced around, taking pictures, catching snowflakes on our tongues and getting covered with heavy wet flakes. I think Abbey got some in her eyes.... :)

Moses, Moses, Moses....

2009-10-11T15:52:00.000-07:00

Wednesday, a week and a half ago Rat and I stayed out until after ten o'clock at night, working by porch light as the world grew pitch black and disappeared around us.

We completed the back deck, but I needed his help to set the posts out front. I had tried to do it on my own over the previous weekend, but those dang screws!!!! Whomever redesigned the 'composite to wood' screws figured that whoever uses them will never make a mistake.... will never make a design change or need to back them out to reconfigure a cut!!!! What should have taken 20 minutes to complete took both of us, with pry bars, numerous drill bits, hammers and vice grips more than an hour and a half to do!!

The crunch was on... I was heading out Friday morning to visit my son in NH, staying in Maine and I wanted it done!

I worked well into the dark again on Thursday, this time alone.... by the time I was finished....all that needed to be done was to set the final post in the step, attached the three small side rails and the three top rails...

"Shouldn't" take long at all.... Rat agreed to stop by on his way to work Friday morning so we could finish before I left. Seems like the designs I come up with... nothing is never easy. This time we started in the dark and worked well into the light of day. He let work know he would be a little late.

I had to leave for Maine. Rat needed to get to work. The three top hand rails would have to wait until I returned.

And so there was Maine.... stayed at the beach, enjoyed my son's and mother's company, ate the most amazing lobster (for breakfast and dinner), discovered blueberry lemonade, watched surfing seagulls, played with puppies, bought shrubs for around the new deck, took the kid shopping for clothes and food (what else does a college kid need?), got rained on, tried to stay up late to read, stayed up late to visit a friend, met the kid for Sunday breakfast and drove the seven plus hours home....

Monday night, came home from work, needed to buy some groceries, cook a few meals and drive them down to Philly (minimum 3 hour round trip). Son number two was having a week of exams and would have little time to eat let alone cook. I was pleased that I could help him.

Tuesday night I crashed and burned. I had every intent of getting out there and working. Even changed my clothes and went out to start. But the tenant came home with her beautiful 5 month old baby girl and I asked if I could play with her for a bit.... We walked to the pond to look at geese, sat on the swings for awhile, and I got to baby sit for a bit. It is amazing to see the world through her eyes as she just took it all in. I'm pretty sure I was in bed by 8.

Wednesday night while waiting for Rat to come over... I managed to get all the new shrubs and plants in... Once he arrived, we set right to work... save dinner for after the daylight left us... and it did... but we finished!!! Not only did we finish, but we ate dinner and celebrated with some black mead I had picked up in Wisconsin this summer (on my way to MN) Dang that stuff is wicked!!! Kicked both our tired arses!!!

Thursday night with the loving support of my wonderful mother, I pitched three cords of mulch.

Friday night I had errands to run as I had invited friends from work over to celebrate..but I still had work to do before they arrived.

Saturday morning.... get the house clean, make the burgers, do the laundry, prep the food, get the glasses cleaned, power wash the decks..... AND... shovel a ton (literally) of river rocks and wash them!!! But I got it all done with time to spare and we had a marvelous time celebrating the completion of the decks!!

It is an amazing feeling to have totally completed the projects!!!

I've dotted the i's and crossed the t's....

So, let it be written.... So, let it be done.
Mouse, Mouse, Mouse.....

Only a number....

2009-09-21T16:42:00.000-07:00

So it is said that a birthday is only a number... well... Today, I agree it's all about how you look at those numbers....

One incredible sunrise....

Two magical visits....

Three precious calls from my boys...

Four thoughtful text messages....

One entertaining video message....

Twelve beautiful red roses....

Eight well wishes via e-mail...

Four cards via snail mail...

One decedent glass of wine...

Two handfuls of dark chocolate peanut m&m's...

One loving hug and kiss from my mom...

Forty-seven trips around the sun...

Minus three minutes....

2009-09-13T18:06:00.000-07:00

With each passing day, we lose three minutes of daylight.... this has been most frustrating as of late as I try to finish the two decks.

What we thought would only take a few more nights to complete has stretched out into weeks. The final touches are filled with complicated and challenging miter cuts... some compound which slows the process.

Along with the limited daylight has also come a lot of rain.

The other night, just when I felt overwhelmed with yet another storm approaching, threatening to cut our night of work short yet again... there is was... an incredible, full, double rainbow arching across my backyard!!! It was incredible. And for the five or so minutes that it lasted... all work stopped... minus the three minutes or not... besides... on came the rain and once again work was halted. But this time, it just didn't seem to matter.

.

Since that night... the last of the front deck has been burned....

The back steps, lattice and fascia all completed... nothing but the top rail to put on...

Out front... The steps were removed, lattice power washed and reinforced, deck planks laid, new fascia attached... news steps and rails are all that remains....

Minus three minutes every day or not.... it will get done... it might take a little longer than hoped... but it will get done.

I Can Only Imagine...

2009-08-24T18:02:00.000-07:00

I recently drove to NH to deliver various things to my children living up North. On the way home the song "I can only imagine" came on the radio. I had never heard it before, but it certainly has caught my attention.

With no one to talk to, it gave me plenty to ponder.

When I got home I shared the song and my thoughts on wondering how I would react with my mom... Without hesitation she spread her arms wide imitating a child requesting a hug and said, "Daddy"!

She's so right... that's what I would want the moment I cross over. I believe our "heavens" are as unique and individual as each of us. Much like in the Robin Williams movie "What Dreams May Come" Excellent film.

But now my non-traditional ways of thinking are conflicted with my traditional upbringing.... Do you think God would be offended if I wanted to see my Daddy before meeting him? Or perhaps, my God, knowing my heart, would send Daddy to the gate to wait for me... I can't believe God would hold this desire against me... I guess... I can only imagine...

Pergola and Porch Progress... or the lack thereof.

2009-08-24T17:26:00.001-07:00

Mouse has been busy delivering children to various far off locations so that they might improve their minds. Rat seems to have been poisoned by a bad deli hoagie and not been feeling well at all. And on top of it... the weather has not been cooperating!! It's either been unbearably hot or raining cats and dogs... mice and rats don't like cats and dogs!!!

But before the chaos hit, Mouse was able to power wash and sand the old stain from the remaining wood, prep the area for laying the new planks and cut the 4'x 8'pressure treated plywood into 5 1/4" strips to lay under the composite decking to bring it up to the proper height.

Hopefully Rat will feel up to working with Mouse sometime soon and we'll get this project done!!!

Mouse with hammer strikes again....

2009-08-14T07:14:00.000-07:00

It's just as easy to cut railing for one deck as it is for two.... so with Rat's blessing... the front deck is also getting a face lift!

Before...

After...

For the future...

It just keeps getting better...

2009-08-14T06:38:00.000-07:00

With each and every detail added to the pergola, it just keeps getting better and better. The first fire was lit and with the help of a spot light I was able to view the nine or so deer that joined me in the darkness... I just love sitting out back... it's my new sanctuary

Rat and Gopher Girl Got it On!!!

2009-08-10T06:52:00.000-07:00

Rat and Gopher Girl got it on this weekend!!! All the overhead construction is complete!!

All that's left on the list is... steps, lattice, fascia and handrails!!!!

I'm loving it!!!!

From "Mouse with hammer" to "Gopher girl"

2009-08-06T14:22:00.000-07:00

When first I began to rip apart my deck it was with the simple intent of replacing the planks... and then, with hammer in hand, the project took on a life of its own and before I knew it I was intending to build a pergola with the help of Rat (bigger stronger version of Mouse).

I had hoped that I would be able to play as big a part in the rebuild as I had in the demo... However.... I went away for a month and had surgery a week after my return...plus, I know when I have gotten in over my head and I am just thrilled to be able to help in any way possible.... so just call me "Gopher Girl" because I "go for" this and "go for" that...

Once I learned that Rat used to build decks on the side and with his business partner, complete as many as three in one weekend, I figured... just turn the project over to him... it will turn out a whole lot better from sheer experience. He cuts using a circular saw with surgeon like precision... it's very impressive to watch.

I like to think that I am being of help... but to be honest... I believe he tolerates my presence more like that of a young child, curious and trying to learn new skills. He is kind and patient and an excellent teacher.

I do believe we work well together and have collaborated to create an excellent design.

However, without his help this project would not be any where near completion. It's looking pretty awesome, so far, and he deserves all the gratitude and homemade iced-tea I can generate!

Abbey strikes again....

2009-08-06T13:50:00.000-07:00

It really is quite curious... If it is a groundhog or feral cat and Abbey spots it... she grabs it with the intent to shake the life out of it... and usually does, rather quickly.

But when it comes to the babies.... like bunnies and birds or toads, she seems more curious and playful than anything. She could easily close her jaws around them and end their lives... but instead she carries them around in her mouth with the goofiest look on her face like she just got caught with her paws in the cookie jar. She does not intentionally hurt them.

In fact, when the baby bunnies decided to disperse, just as she was going outside, it was rather comical to watch her run back and forth in four different directions trying to pounce on them as they hopped away.

But this time I find myself a bit helpless. Somehow she ended up with a baby mocking bird in her mouth. The poor thing was smothered in doggy drool, and calling for its mom. The bird itself was not injured, Ben was sure to check it out thoroughly... but I have no idea from where it came. I searched all the trees and nesting boxes nearby and am unable to find the nest from which it fell.

So, much to my dismay, I made a makeshift nest in some taller grasses close to where Abbey was spotted and left the little one in hopes that its mom will find it and continue to bring it food until it is fully feathered and able to fly.

It's got a lot of beak to grow into!!!

Baby bunnies.... THAT'S how I view life....

2009-07-28T08:22:00.001-07:00

Last week as I rushed to complete one last work out, get the final planks of the deck screwed down, a shower and off to the dentist by 9:45 a.m. I heard the all too familiar squeals of new born bunnies in distress.

As I looked around for the sound I spotted Abbey gingerly carrying something in her mouth, with that, "dang, I'm going to get in trouble" look in her eyes. I told her to drop them, which she did and ran to pick them up... they seemed mostly unhurt... just full of dog drool...

But this left me with a dilemma. I didn't know from where she got them.

I held them close to keep them warm and watched Abbey. She's not to bright sometimes... she went right back to the scene of the crime!!! There she mouthed a fourth baby bunny. This one was not as lucky. It had a few lacerations and a chunk of its tiny little ear missing and bleeding.

They required attention... medically, to clean up their wounds and physically, to block off the hutch from Abbey but keep it accessible to the mommy bunny when she, hopefully, would return at night as usual.

With a handful of bunny babies I hustled into my (soon to be vet student) son's bedroom to rouse him and get his help.

When I first showed him my handful of bunnies he thought I was holding baby birds and asked if I intended to chew up food and spit it back out for them to eat and teach them how to fly. He then rolled back over, attempting to go back to sleep.

I promptly informed him that they were not baby birds and that he needed to get up and help me!! He rolled back in my direction, asked what they were then, took a look and said, "Damn, now I've got to get up... cute factor."

As he rose from his bed he provided me with a verbal list of all the medical supplies and instruments he would need (tweezers, small sharp scissors, cotton balls, hydrogen peroxide, antibiotic ointment), grabbed his new stethoscope (a requirement for class), filled a hot water bottle, swiped a towel and prompted me to follow him to the kitchen table.

There he covered the hot water bottle with the towel and laid out the bunny babies to keep them warm while he worked on them. After I delivered the required supplies, I attended to the enclosure.

I had to work fast. I still needed to get to the dentist... the planks and shower would have to wait until I got back.

Fortunately, the bunny hutch was under one of my benches which is basically wooden planks that slide into two concrete ends, so I could screw nailers into the cross planks and then attach horizontal boards to box them in.... the mommy bunny could get in through a hole in the side of the concrete ends...

Must work quickly... only have 25 minutes....

Bang nails out of old deck boards which I had held onto to make bird houses(why didn't I do this when I meant to?), measure, cut(dang, the wood is dry it's splitting), predrill so they don't split, screw in the nailers(dropped a screw where did it go?), attach the planks (doesn't matter if they aren't perfectly straight or centered)... only five more minutes before I HAVE to leave... done.... double check work... dang, the planks come down to close to the hutch. Abbey will be able to dig at them and get them back out... (think)...(attach more naiers? build it out?) ah! Move bench!!! (Can't, too heavy... sunk into ground).... Ben!!!! Lift together, move bench, hutch safely in middle... dang... now the bench is higher from being moved.. the planks need to be unscrewed and lowered or Abbey will just go under them.... but I'm beyond out of time... I really have to leave and Abbey will get to them before I can get back....

So, I asked Benjamin to please unscrew the planks and lower them. Now, had I not pulled him from his warm bed and sound slumber in the first place I'm sure his response would have been different, but he gave me a line about not doing it, that, "whatever happens, happens".... "if it is meant to be, it will be"....

That's when my "pressed-for-time-frustrations" came out and I snapped at him a bit to get him to comply... but it was at that moment that I realized it wasn't just being pressed for time that was driving me... it was much deeper than that....

I realize that these baby bunnies might end up food for hawks, foxes or a passing feral cat.... but I had committed my time and energies to do whatever I could to right what my dog had made wrong, and wanted to do it to the best of my ability.

Why would I go through all the efforts and just stop/give up when I hit a bump in the road? Why would I go this far and then not take the final step which could make success possible, but without, would assure failure?

As is with anything I do in life. If I'm not going to give it my all... 100% of me... then why even bother getting involved in the first place. Do a job... do it well... And make the best outcome, possible.

*****

Just five days later...I had to know... so I checked today.... best outcome possible.

Oh... and MAJOR cute factor!

One Awesome Bear....

2009-07-27T22:26:00.000-07:00

I thought perhaps I was finished writing about bears, but it seems that the longer I am away from them, the more I think about them and reflect upon my experiences with them. They have so much to teach and I have so much to learn.

I honestly wish I could drive over for a few days and work on photographing them all... updating records and generating new entries. I could easily see that as being my work and spending countless hours doing it well.

There was one particular bear, a large impressive male named Schwynn that seems to capture the hearts of all who view him. He is handsome and respected. When he walks out into the field all the other males seem to part way for him and never challenge his presence.

Schwynn is a three-legged bear. He lost his front left paw when he was three... probably to a trap, but no one really knows for sure. He is now 13.

Some believe that the other males pay him no attention because with only three legs, they do not view him as a threat.

I tend to think that the ladies look at him and think, "Dang, with all that he's got going against him... he still commands the respect of all the other males and survives... he must have some pretty awesome genes!!! And he's cute too!"

Personally, to me he is an inspiration. He is a survivor. He overcomes adversity. I would hope that I would have the strength to chew off my own leg, if caught in a trap, in order to survive. He also had to tend to his own wound without the aid of doctors or antibiotics and scour for food to regain and maintain his strength... while not becoming prey to the ever present wolves and coyotes. And he is gentle, calm and seemingly very appreciative of all the "extra" treats put out for him. He has both strength and character.

I look at and/or think about him and wonder, "How could I possibly ever complain about anything?"

Yep, I definitely think Schwynn is getting a lot more action than the other big boys think.

Shadows of Confusion...

2009-07-25T09:07:00.000-07:00

When first I returned home I would wake in the middle of the night feeling lost and confused. While I was gone the birds had planted sunflower seeds outside my bedroom window, which grew tall and the moon light would cast shadows making my bedroom look like a forest...

Well, my beautiful little goldfinches now return with the morning's sun to reap what they have sown. And, I, have the delight of capturing them on film, albeit through window and screen.

Their morning song brings a smile to my face and the confidence that I know exactly where I am!!!

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ps. I have no idea why there is a phantom photo on this posting.

Mouse + Rat = Pergola Progress (part 3)

2009-07-25T08:50:00.000-07:00

While the mouse was away, the rat came to play and left a list of things for the mouse to do upon her return!!! It's been a busy week.

Random Snap Shots for Grins and Giggles...

2009-07-25T07:11:00.000-07:00

Enjoy!

Isn't She Lovely?

2009-07-25T06:55:00.001-07:00

Two summers ago my son Benjamin worked at the bear sanctuary for the entire summer. While he was out there I popped in for a short visit... and while I was there I snapped the above photo.

It was late in August and she was so very tiny. I really wasn't sure she would make it through the winter. But she did!!! Not only did she survive her first winter, but she has been dispersed and survived her second winter.

I knew her the moment I saw her. She is lovely, shy and delicate and still on the small side.

And I am delighted that I could assist in the documentation of her existence...

It is events like these that I can see bringing me back year after year to once again walk amongst the bears.

Rat Pack Update...

2009-07-23T01:12:00.001-07:00

When I first came to the sanctuary there was a group of 8 or 9 newly dispersed yearlings that were so frightened and so lost and would look at me with those big brown eyes of theirs practically begging me to take care of them and help them feel safe again. They found comfort in a section of the woods called Catholic. There they banded together. They would never sit to eat and would scamper to or climb the nearest tree at the slightest sound.

Each morning I would talk softly to them and attempt to coerce them to come down and eat. After a few days they began to greet me, became more curious and would cautiously sit to eat.

For a few days they actually started to follow me around like puppies and unfortunately, I had to put a quick end to that. It made me feel as though I was abandoning them. But, they didn't hold it against me. They were back to quietly slipping out of the trees to greet me, appearing like magic.

And, by the time I left I started to notice them in various locations around the sanctuary. They were stepping out of their safe little haven... rocking on logs....

Scaring little cubbies up trees with their presence....

Attempting to establish dominance amongst themselves or just laying down to enjoy a treat with each other...

But what I saw just a few days before I left warmed my heart and was probably one of the dearest memories that I took with me....

This little guy below decided to cross from one side of the Sanctuary to the other and chose a path that went past Karen's cabin and the field where the big boys eat. When he approached Karen's cabin he was startled by the big male laying on her porch and he started to take a wide path around him. But the big boy reached out to the little guy and invited him to play!!! He came scampering back to the porch where they took turns swatting each other and the little guy practiced his posturing, making him look like a big bear....

They were making quite the ruckus ..... until..... Karen came out and scolded them for waking her up!!! To her defense... I've been in her cabin when they've just walked on her porch... it's really loud and I can only imagine what all that tussling about sounded like!!! He looks totally remorseful, doesn't he?

At this point I thought the fun was over and I was sent to walk a photographer around the grounds (that means I don't get to take a camera with me...*pouting*).

In fact, the fun was just beginning!!! Either the big boy invited the little boy over, or he just followed him to the mulch pile looking for more adventure... and more adventure he got!!!

The mulch pile can be a place of very serious dominance altercations (King of the hill), sunbathing, scratching and rolling around or total silliness.... this day is was a combination of them all!!!

The big boy decided to teach the little guy how to be a big boy and play king of the hill!!! He allowed the little guy to be the king, posture and slap him around. They were soon joined by two other big boys. It was hysterical!!

At first the little guy was posturing, up on two hind legs, on top of the pile looking as big and mean as he could... and with one little "poof" of a pat from one of the big boys, down he would go... They'd let him get back up there looking all big and mean and let the little guy give them a slap and they would go rolling and tumbling all the way to the bottom of the pile as though they had gotten whacked by the biggest bear in MN!!!! Sometimes the little guy would slap them and they'd put him in a bear hug and wrestle all the way down and get back up and do it all over again!!!

Now y'all know that with one sideways glance or real swat with those paws any of those big boys could have sent that little guy cowering into the woods for a week straight afraid of his own shadow again... but that wasn't to be the case this day. Today they were teaching him to be a "big boy" bear.

This went on for roughly an hour. And although I was able to do no more than to stand by and watch as the photographer got all the shots, I feel really blessed.

The Rat Pack is going to be okay.

False Advertising!!!

2009-07-19T10:17:00.000-07:00

I saw moose. Around every corner... near every lake... every where along the road were moose. They just didn't breathe or move. I'm convinced that they are a myth... an advertising ploy to get tourist to visit Canada.

False advertising!!!

Where am I?

2009-07-19T04:38:00.000-07:00

Where am I? This seems to be the question of the week for me. A week ago today I left the black bear sanctuary headed for home, by way of Canada. My son and I camped, hiked, kayaked, mined for amethyst and photographed our way home along the Northern shores of Lakes Superior.

When I got home I crashed into my oh so wonderful bed but woke in the middle of the night lost and confused. I couldn't figure out where I was. The sunflowers in my garden outside my bedroom window had grown tall while I was gone and in the dark, the light of the moon that came through my window made the shadows appear as though I was in the middle of a forest... nothing around me seemed familiar...

This has happened every night since I've returned... and it's got me thinking... where am I? Where did I leave off in my life when I left and where am I supposed to pick it back up? I'm feeling a little bit lost and confused... and not just in the middle of the night.

In search of moose...

2009-07-12T07:33:00.000-07:00

Have finished my internship at the bear sanctuary and am leaving momentarily for Canada. I will post pictures and share stories when I return from the North Country.

Need to get on the road as it is a long way around the Northern border of Lake Superior.

Am now going in search of moose!!! Wish me luck!!!

Sometimes, there is down time....

2009-07-08T12:15:00.000-07:00

Most of the time I am either working or sleeping... but on rare occasions I get some down time and when I do I make a run for anywhere other than where I'm at... just to see what I can see.

I've seen beautiful lakes, gorges, flora and faauna.... I'll throw up a few photos just for fun...

Enjoy!

Will need to post more later... along with fun and favorite bear photos.... stay tuned.

Wolfy... my hero!

2009-07-05T12:32:00.001-07:00

Now that the mating season has come to a close, Vince looks for other ways to entertain himself. He likes to wrestle with other bears and get into mischief. (He's the one with the large V shaped blaze on his chest.

The other morning he decided that he was going to test me. As I went about feeding he kept walking in front of me causing me to walk backwards. Usually, once we start to retreat the bears will leave us alone and go in a different direction.

On this particular morning, Vince was persistent and would not leave me alone. The more I backed up, the closer he would get to me. He was to the point that as I lifted my knees to take a step backwards I was practically bopping him in the nose.

I was beginning to get a bit concerned as there were no buildings close by to back into... only open field...

When all of a sudden... out of the woods came my big, dark, handsome hero... Wolfy!!!

Wolfy chased off Vince and proceeded to strut around the field and scent mark, ever so proud of himself. I too, was rather pleased with him!!!

He then followed me into the woods... I'm not sure what type of reward he thought he was going to get... but I had to break it to him that I'm really not into the whole furry back thing... and he had to settle for some sunflower seeds. :) But he did smile for me when I took his picture.

He's been back to visit and I've been able to get a few better shots of him... Benjamin has refused to call him, "Daddy" :) But I do think he has secretly thanked him for defending his mom.

In honor of Vince....

2009-07-04T19:36:00.001-07:00

Born in 1913, Vince Shute was the youngest of 6 children. Poor guy, he had 5 older sisters!

His parents were dairy farmers and the family had to live off of what their land could provide.

In 1927, Vince’s father suffered a debilitating stroke. And although he was only 14 years of age he had to quit school and take on a second job as a logger in order to keep the farm running and his sisters in school.
The onset of the depression and drop in milk prices forced him to sell the cows, leave the dairy business and take up logging full time.

By the time Vince turned 25 he had his own company.

The observation deck is located on the site of his original logging camp.

To start, Vince employed roughly 40 loggers. That meant forty mouths to feed. He would get up around 4 o’clock in the morning, start his work and then come back in to make the men breakfast.

Vince was known for his sourdough pancakes and besides his pancakes, he would be frying up bacon and sausages and brewing coffee... and all those wonderful aromas would go wafting through the woods.

Well, who besides the loggers do you think smelled the breakfast? Yep, the bears.

And who besides the loggers do you think came to breakfast? Yep, the bears….

They would use their big old claws to rip open the door down and help themselves.

Vince’s solution to this problem was to shoot the bears. The more bears that came in, the more he would shoot.

Years went by and WWII came around. Vince wanted to join the Service, but they wouldn’t let him. He was much too valuable as a logger. The wood harvested from this forest was sent to the local sawmill and made into wooden shipping crates to send supplies to our servicemen over seas.

Vince became an excellent businessman and was one of the first loggers to bring a chainsaw down from Canada to Minnesota. It had a three-foot blade and weighed fifty pounds. Rumor has it that Vince was the only one brave enough to actually use it.

As business increased, Vince employed around 100 loggers… More loggers, more mouths to feed, more breakfast, more….. bears…. More shooting.

At one point, Vince had shot a bear, went into town and announced to the town square that he had just shot the last black bear in Minnesota. That’s like me saying, “I just slapped the last mosquito in Minnesota” Yep, not going to happen. Vince came home and found three more bears in his kitchen!!!

It was at this point that Vince realized that bears weren’t harmful, they were just hungry. So he decided to take some of the scraps and food and take it far from the camp into the woods and leave it there for the bears to eat. He hoped that by feeding them they would leave the camp alone. And sure enough they did. So every day, Vince would take food out, away from the camp to feed the bears.

Should Vince have actually started feeding the bears? That’s debatable. But it was the best solution at the time. For years they lived harmoniously in the woods.

In 1990 Vince’s health started to fail him and he was worried about what would happen to his bears if he were to stop feeding them. Some people thought the bears would seek out other humans for food, some though they might get hit by cars due to the high density. So Vince got together with his friends and professionals in the field and decided that the best thing to do would be to open the sanctuary and start the American Bear Association.

Because of this unique place we are able to educate the public about black bears, dispel myths, observe behaviors that we wouldn’t normally get to see, collect data and conduct research.

Soon we’re going to pass a gold sign that says “Stop negative conditioning” that means you have just entered “The Magic Circle”. What that means is that inside this two acre area the bears have the right of way. If they cross the road in front of us, we will stop and wait for them to pass. When we walk near them to feed them, we talk softly to them so as to not startle them.

However, on the way out, on the flip side of that sign it says, “Start negative conditioning” What that means is that if we come across a bear we beep our horns, clap our hands and shoo them off. We don’t want them to associate humans with food, we want them to associate the Magic Circle with food.

As we approach the observation deck you need to realize that tonight it is you that is the animal locked in the cage and they get to roam free.

Look up, look down, look all around... cubbies like to play in the trees.

Vince Shute passed away July 4th, 2000. He was cremated and some of his ashes were laid to rest with those of one of his favorite bears. May he rest in peace knowing that his bears are cared for quite well and that he made a difference.

For more information on the Sanctuary... check out americanbears.org

I've walked among bears...

2009-06-29T10:38:00.001-07:00

For my first 48 hours here, I was not allowed to walk outside of the buildings by myself. I was trained on bear safety and the various requirements of different jobs we do during the day. I was kept mostly indoors, and by the end of my 48 hours I was chomping at the bit, eager to get out amongst them.... and then.... I was given clearance to walk where ever I wanted, whenever I wanted. That night... I stayed inside.

Stepping into those woods surrounded by bears, by myself, for the first time was a rush...but definitely something I wanted to wait for the morning light to do.

It didn't take long for me to feel comfortable around the bears....

***There are cubbies or springies born this past Jan/Feb weighing only 6-10 ounces, the size of a grapefruit.

Most cubbies aren't given a name as they change so much in their appearance from one year to the next, however, this little guy is named, "Cubby". He is an orphan. He showed up alone at the sanctuary a couple weeks ago. We have no idea what happened to his mom. He is feisty! And cute beyond words. A few days ago there seemed as if there was an adoption battle going on between two females that currently have springies, but Cubby remains alone. If he can't find someone to take care of him over the winter, he probably won't survive.

***Then there are the "yearlings". Cubs stay with their mom until they are about 1 1/2 years old, then they are dispersed (force to leave and live on their own) These newly dispersed yearlings have the look of little lost puppies on their faces. They stay back in the woods, usually stand to eat so that they can run or scamper up a tree at a moments notice and in general, just look lost.

There are a group of 8 or 9 of them that are hanging out together... I call them my "Rat Pack" When I first started to go into the woods they would scamper up the trees or run off at the slightest noise. So... every morning as I was putting out food I would sing the Teddy Bear's Picnic song to them softly and talk to them. Within a few days they no longer feared me and actually started to follow me like puppies. Unfortunately, I had to put a stop to that... but the little guy pictured above has captured my heart and I am pleased and smile each day when he is the first to come out and greet me. I've named him "Mini V" He has a small v shaped chest blaze. There is another bear named Vince who has a large v shaped chest blaze and I like to think that perhaps Mini V is one of Vince's off spring.

***Next in line are the adults... there are young adults (3-5 years of age) adult females (150-250 lbs) and adult males (250 - 650 lbs).

Those that visit the sanctuary repeatedly are named (providing they have distinguishable blazes or features)and data is collected on them. They all have such unique personalities.

Some of the feeding sites are raised beds. One morning the woods was totally quiet... no bears in site. As I leaned over the bed to place a scoop of food on the platform, from the back side, up jumped a young male. His nose was literally one inch from mine!!! We both just froze surprised to see each other. Eventually I got the courage to speak and said, "Didn't anyone tell you about the 10 foot rule?"

My favorite female is Jenny. Jenny currently has 3 cubs and is very mellow. She often brings her cubs out to eat and walk around the sanctuary. She doesn't mind if we get close. Her third cub is a curious and feisty little thing!!! He reminds me so much of my youngest "cub." He is always wandering off from mom... always lagging behind checking something out... and brave... until... mom walks away and leaves him up a tree.. then he is calling out to her.

This Mom is new to the sanctuary and very nervous. She's got three adorable little cinnamon colored cubbies. I got a bit too close when feeding and trying to identify her and she bluff charged me from the tree!!! I'm grateful that she wasn't on the ground.

And then there are the males... big and proud and quite the powerful presence....
Yet, I've seen them play "King of the Mulch Pile", wrestle and tease each other.

The other morning as I was the first to exit the food shed with a bucket of food I had ten males suddenly surround me. It was all I could do to get a scoop of feed out on a site and tell them to "sit and stay"!!! They were hungry! No one told them about the ten foot rule either... not that they would care. Guess that's why the first thing I did upon my arrival was to sign a liability waiver!!! :) No worries... Wolfy will save me ( A story for another day... time to get back to work.)

Teddy Bear's Picnic

2009-06-29T09:22:00.000-07:00

If you go out in the woods today
You're sure of a big surprise.
If you go out in the woods today
You'd better go in disguise.

For every bear that ever there was
Will gather there for certain, because
Today's the day the teddy bears have their picnic.

(**chorus)
**Picnic time for teddy bears
The little teddy bears are having a lovely time today.
Watch them, catch them unawares,
And see them picnic on their holiday.
See them gaily dance about.
They love to play and shout,
And never have any cares.
At six o'clock their mommies and daddies
Will take them home to bed,
Because they're tired little teddy bears**

If you go out in the wood today,
You'd better not go alone.
It's lovely out in the woods today,
But safer to stay at home.

For every bear that ever there was,
Will gather there for certain, because,
Today's the day the teddy bears have their picnic.

(chorus)

Every teddy bear, that's been good
Is sure of a treat today.
There's lots of wonderful things to eat
And wonderful games to play.

Beneath the trees, where nobody sees,
They'll hide and seek as long as they please.
Today's the day the teddy bears have their picnic.

Giving a little bit more....

2009-06-28T11:45:00.000-07:00

And so the journey continues....

The follow morning we were greeted with what we thought was rain and needed to roll up a wet tent! Turns out that it was merely intense fog coming in off the lake. The further we got from the lake shore the brighter and bluer the skies became.

I'm fairly certain my son is tired of me stopping to take photos along the way... but how can I possible help but not stop? Some of the scenes were just breath taking...

Wild Lupines....

Old tattered barns.....

Fields so covered in daisies that it looked like Summer Snow....

And an Old rail trellis...

We did also manage to locate a wonderful "vineyard" so to speak. We are much too far north to grow grapes... but stumbled upon a quaint establishment that makes all their products from honey... wonderful, wonderful mead!!!!

Having parted with a significant sum of cash on mead we got back into the car for the last time prior to reaching our true destination.... the Black Bear Sanctuary in MN.

Speaking of which... time to go feed....

Give a little bit....

2009-06-26T11:03:00.000-07:00

"Give a little bit... Give a little bit of your life to me....."

This song is repeating in my head right now. And so, with the morning shift done and brief access to the internet, I'll attempt to do just that and "Give a little bit..."

I'll spare you the details of the first day of travel through intense rain, thunder storms, a brief visit with an old friend on the other side of the state, downed power lines that caused late night detours and almost running out of gas because I forgot to look down....

The real fun came the second day. The real trip began once we crossed the bride into the Upper Peninsula (which is quickly becoming one of my favorite places on earth)

Our destination for the night was Munising, where we camped on the beach of Lake Superior for what would end up being two nights. After pitching our tent I lit a fire, cooked dinner, sipped some wine and enjoyed a beautiful sunset with my son.

The following morning I woke with a smile as the song of the loons was my alarm clock. Wanting to make the most of our day (after a proper breakfast of course) we started with a 5 mile paddle in the kayaks on a river that leads into Lake Superior. It was wonderfully windy and upon each and every turn a different form of wildlife greeted us... hooded mergansers, dragonflies, bullfrogs, belted kingfishers, great blue herons and muskrats... to name a few...

From there we decided to explore the coast by foot and hiked a few miles into one of the many waterfalls...

The trees were impressively tall and I wished there were a way to properly photograph the forest floor lined with ferns, greens and forget-me-nots as it was truly stunning... As I strolled through them I couldn't help but wonder if they were a sign to calm my fears, that by my being away for so long certain people would forget about me...

We ventured a bit further up from the trail location to view the coast from above...

So impressed were we, that we hustled to the docks to take the next "three hour tour" (I called Marian and Benjamin claimed the Professor) of Lake Superior and "The Pictured Rocks"...

Lake Superior has a large variety of minerals pressed amongst the sand stone... and as the waves beat against the coast line they release the minerals hidden within and make the rocks look as though they've been painted... the waves also carve the stone into impressive formations.

And so our day ended, with yet another spectacular sunset and the reassuring songs of the loons calling their loved ones close....

Into the wild...

2009-06-16T19:39:00.000-07:00

Last time, I just went to visit... this time I am going to stay. I'll be completing a month long internship at a black bear sanctuary in MN.

My son Benjamin and I are embarking on this adventure together. We will be loading up the kayaks, camping gear and camera to explore the southern border of Lake Superior on the way out.. and the northern border of the lake in Canada on the way back.

It promises to be quite the journey... of mind, body and spirit...

Cedar waxwings and Service berries...

2009-06-15T10:59:00.000-07:00

The Cedar Waxwing happens to be one of my all time favorite birds! The first time I saw one I was just in awe of its sleek colors and unique appearance. It also made me smile as it flitted about, cheerfully chirping with its flock, consuming berries in large quantities. Having learned that they like service berries the best I set out to attract them to my yard.

I started out by planting one lone service berry bush in my bird garden. The following year I picked up another one, figuring two were better than one. But just two bushes... still young... would they be enough to get the tiny birds' attention?

The following year I purchased more... 10 beautiful, four foot high service berry bushes!!! Within a week of planting, my very little, very hungry, soon to be known as "Big White Beastie" chewed them down to six inches!!! Not knowing if they would survive, feeling a bit defeated, I left it in the hands of Mother Nature.

Over the next couple of years the first two bushes grew, blossomed and produced fruit. Curious as to why the birds liked them so much, I decided to taste the berries. Oh My God!!!! They are the sweetest most amazing berries I've ever tasted!!!

I no longer watched as intently for the birds... I was, after all, enjoying the awesome berries... Until...

The wretched little beasts with wings located my berries and stripped the bushes clean within a matter of hours!!!

Finally I get the birds to come to my yard and they eat all my berries!!! Every last one!!!

The 10, munched on, mutilated bushes survived and in the past few years have produced enough berries for me and the Cedar Waxwings..... and the Catbirds and the Mocking birds and the Eastern Blue Birds and the Robins and sometimes the Wrens.... it would seem as though we ALL enjoy the berries!!!

I was afraid I was going to miss them this year as I'll be leaving in two days for a month's time... but Mother Nature has been kind and in the past two days the berries have ripened. I've been eating every dark ripe berry I can pick!!! Breakfast, lunch and dinner... and snacks in between... and every time I walk by the bushes... They are small, so you have to fill the palm of your hand and then pop them all into your mouth at the same time!!!! :)

The branches are heavy with fruit and sweeter than ever.

I'm glad I was able to enjoy some before leaving. Hope to also see my little feathered friends before I go. Even though we now fight to see who will get to the berries first... they are still my all time favorite bird!!!

My Dog is Disgusting!!!

2009-06-12T19:27:00.000-07:00

Okay... so she is also very cute, having just gotten back from the groomer, prancing about the back yard with her two little pink bows catching the last few rays of sunshine as it slowly sets behind the trees.... but don't be fooled...

I had spent a few weeks preparing for the first big fire of the spring. Plants had been cut back, dead, fallen branches from the winter picked up and stacked, scraps of wood and old rags hard with dried stain from the winter's work in my shop added to the pile... and then there was the first half of the deck removed and ready to be burned.

I had wanted to burn it sooner, but the weather was not cooperating and I was having fun gathering more fuel to make it a respectable event.

In the days prior to the lighting I caught the scent of dead animal coming from the fire pit.... I thought, "Good God, what crawled in there and died?" Figuring it was nothing more than a small rodent I torched the pyre, enjoyed its glow and thought nothing more of it.

Two weeks later I decided to cut up and burn the second half of the deck. Rather impressed with the height of the flames and intensity of the heat the fire generated, I enjoyed watching the flames reduce my pyre to mere ashes as I sipped wine and admired the full moon.

A few days later as I was cutting more boards for the deck I noticed Abbey picking something out of the fire pit and carrying it off to the grass. I wondered what she might have found left in the ashes. She dropped whatever the thing was into the grass and began to roll on it, rub her face on it, making me smile as she wiggled and squirmed playing with her new found toy... and then the stench hit!!!! Oh My God what a stench!!!! It was so foul you had to cover your nose to keep yourself from gagging!

I walked over to the grass to see just what she had... it was the jaw bone from a groundhog. Apparently, my cute little puppy had gotten herself yet another ground hog and buried it in the side of the fire pit... and apparently I cooked it for her!!!

I grabbed a stick to poke around the dirt where she had obviously been digging to see if there were more bones. What I found was oozing, foul, gooey, groundhog guts.... and some bones and hair from the incomplete cremation!!!!

All I had time for at that moment was to bury what was left with dirt and run for the hose and dishwasher soap. No way was she coming into the house for the night with that stench on her!!!!

The gross gooey groundhog guts have since been dug up, bagged, boxed and deposited in the nearest dumpster... and Abbey... my disgusting dog? Well... she managed to get a day at the spa out of the whole thing!!!

If you give a mouse a hammer... continued....

2009-06-07T05:11:00.000-07:00

More planking needed to be cut, notched, spaced and screwed into place... while mouse cut, notched, spaced and screwed into place... She realized that the remaining planks from the old deck needed to be cut in half and prepared to be burned.

While cutting the old planks in half and preparing them to be burned... She realized that the winds were settling and that this would be a good night to set them a blaze....

While setting them a blaze... She realized... the full moon was out.... While admiring the full moon she realized that... Dang!!! This fire is even higher than the last one... it looks as though it could warm the man in the moon! To be continued....

"I'm leaving you behind...."

2009-06-06T04:38:00.000-07:00

Words are quite powerful. They have the ability to take your heart to heights never before experienced, or to depths you wish you would not have to explore...

The words, "I'm leaving you behind" conjure up many memories for me, they start early when I was just a little girl... I can see my Daddy's back as he walked away to go to work.... he left me behind.

When you are little you are told, "If you are a good girl, you'll get to go along." I've spent my whole life trying to be a good girl...

At what point do you become "good" enough, "accomplished" enough, kind enough, loving enough, giving enough... Enough, that you are worth the risk, the investment of time and emotion, valued and missed... your presence in life, found precious...?

I have not yet found my wooden heart.... or a kiss to build a dream upon... at times, I thought I had... instead I feel like the eternal little girl running after Daddy, putting my hand in his and saying, "Please, take me with you...."

A Kiss of Dreams.....

2009-06-01T18:40:00.001-07:00

I did not write these words, simply read them today... but they have touched me profoundly and I have yet to figure out why.... I do not know the author.

"Give me a kiss to build a dream on
and my imagination will thrive upon that kiss.
Sweetheart, I ask no more than this
a kiss to build a dream on...."

"Never allow yourself to be an option
rather than a priority."

Seems like yesterday....

2009-05-31T08:43:00.000-07:00

Four years ago I drove my son to Cornell for the first time... and left him there. I am certain I was the one who was more afraid... not because I was afraid he would not be okay with out me, but that I might not be okay without him.

He and I have had to be there for each other throughout the years, dealing with both physical challenges and emotional disappointments. He is one of the most brave people I know. He handles life with a level of grace, dignity and courage that inspires me to be a better person.

Last weekend he graduated, magna cum laude, with honors thesis research in Animal Science.

The morning of graduation, just the two of us, took a hike through one of the gorges on campus then walked about enjoying the campus one last time together discussing the future.

I love him immensely and will allow the snapshots from the weekend to speak for themselves.

If you give a mouse a hammer....

2009-05-31T07:02:00.000-07:00

One of my boys' favorite books growing up was "If you give a mouse a cookie." It starts out... If you give a mouse a cookie, he is going to want milk to go with it. If you give him a glass of milk, he is going to get a milk mustache. If he gets a milk mustache, he is going to need a napkin....." And on it goes... what I cannot show you are the photos that go along with it and all the shenanigans the mischievous little mouse gets into along the way.

Well, my son Benjamin called last week and I informed him that I had ripped off the back deck. His first comment, "What happened?" (with that all too parental tone) I informed him that I was tired of the nails popping out of the old boards so I decided to put new boards on. Before I could go any further he blurted out... "If you give a mouse a hammer." (with that all too parental tone)

So here is my version of the story, thus far....

If you give a mouse a hammer, She will want to bang the nails back in.

After 10 minutes of banging the nails back in, She will rip the boards up. In the process of ripping the boards up, She will realize that the wood frame on the privacy wall has rotted and should be replaced... and while she's at it.....the hand rails should go too.

While moving the boards so the grass doesn't die, beginning to build a bonfire the boys would be proud of and surveying her efforts with pride, she realizes that if she were going to redesign her deck, now is the time.

To redesign the deck, she would have to remove the spindles, take off the lattice and sand the remaining posts.

While sanding the remaining posts, She decided that now is the time to build the pergola that she has always wanted. To build the pergola, She would have to dig holes to fill with concrete for support. While digging the holes to fill with concrete for support, She realized that some of the remaining posts needed to be removed to make room for the new supports.

While waiting for the concrete to set, She realized that it would take some time for the supports to be delivered. So while waiting for the supports to be delivered, She decided to start re-decking the surface.

While re-decking the surface, She got tired and decided that this was the night to burn...

While burning, She realized that, "Yes" this WAS a bonfire her boys would be proud of!!!! ....and there is still a whole other half of the deck to burn....to be continued......

"miss" you.... "miss" me...?

2009-05-29T18:05:00.000-07:00

So often throughout my life I've said the words, "I'll miss you" "I missed you" "I miss you". When spoken, I believed them to all be heartfelt sentiments.

Recently, I told someone that "I miss them" and the response was, "really?" as in disbelief or questioning the possibility.

That simple one word response has had me pondering these simple words for days now.... what do they actually mean? What does it mean if someone does not "miss" people?

To me... to "miss" someone means "to have developed such a meaningful connection to someone that when they are not in your presence you think about them often, crave their touch, look forward to your next encounter with them."

This definition relates to a mother's hug, a lover's kiss, or a child's smile....

I believe we miss people in our lives on many levels, and the intensity of those emotions change over time.

I buried my Aunt today, she was 89. My Uncle, who will turn 92 in November, has been married to her for 69 years. He is a very strong man. In all my life I've never seen him cry or show any sign of weakness. Today he appeared fragile, wounded and as I made my way through the greeting line... I saw one lone tear leak from his eye and stay. More precious than a diamond, it spoke volumes.... he will miss her.

I can't even begin to imagine what it would feel like to wake to the same person for 69 years and to have them suddenly gone. Their marriage wasn't perfect... He was stubborn and at times very mean, she was demanding and difficult in her later years.... but when her health started to fail... he was loving and attentive... and the day after her stroke, when we all thought she would never recover or speak again... I went to visit, he was leaning over her kissing her forehead good-bye telling her that he loved her... and though she could say nothing else... it came out clear as a bell when she said, "I love you too" He went to visit her every day... and when he ended up in the hospital as well, on the same floor he still went to visit her... She complained that he came over to much and she couldn't get enough rest.... *smiles* He will miss her.

What does it mean if someone is foreign to the concept of "missing" someone? Are they emotionally detached? Have they so closed themselves off to the idea of love or being lovable that they do not allow themselves to feel? Do they just not consider themselves "missable"? Are they afraid? Do they consider it a sign of weakness?

When speaking the words, I see it as a sign of strength, courage... allowing one's self to be vulnerable and put themselves out there and own their emotions.

Watching my Aunt slip away these last few months I have paid attention... I have learned that if you care about someone... you need to tell them.... you need to show them.

So often life gets busy and stressful and we take people for granted....we don't take the time.... we kiss them good-bye as though we will see them again in five minutes.... or we don't tell them that we love them because we just assume they know....

Take the opportunities that life presents us and run with them.... make the time... When you haven't seen someone in a while, kiss them the moment they are close enough.... hug them and let them know their mere presence in your life makes you smile.... and when saying good-bye, leave them with the feeling that you can't wait for their return....don't take them for granted.....you never know when that last breath will be taken.

I left the luncheon early today so I could do just that... there was someone I was missing and I wanted to let them know.... I did....and I can hardly wait for their return.

Official Diagnosis....

2009-05-21T13:48:00.000-07:00

It's official... I've been diagnosed and the consensus seems to be unanimous!!! I suffer from AOADD... from here on out know as "Adult Outdoor Attention Deficit Disorder"

Apparently I am completely unable to take a walk (through the woods, down to the farm, across at the pond, anywhere outdoors) with anyone other than my dog AND hold a conversation.

There are far too many little things that distract me and command my attention.... Mom spiders carrying their egg sacks, pretty little purple flowers hiding in the tall grasses, baby blue birds waiting to be fed, a black-capped chickadee sitting on three pea sized eggs, a great blue heron silently flying over head, the wind blowing the white wisteria blossoms, fat worms in the cool soil, leaves twirling on the branches from the wind, the little wren chittering on the tree branch....

When I'm outside... I'm just like a little kid in a ..... Ooooo.... pretty cardinal....!!!!!

The True Measure of a Man.....

2009-05-21T06:27:00.000-07:00

In past decades women have defined men by what they do for a living, how much they make, and how good they are in bed. But with women these days bringing as much to the table as men other priorities take precidence.

Yes, I still look at what a man does for a living. I have to be able to respect his chosen profession. And yes, how much a man makes is important... but only to extent that together we will have enough to support our dreams. Anything beyond "enough" is just gravy on the potatoes... whipped cream on my brownies.... or gifts for those yet unborn grandchildren, who require my spoiling....

But what really melts my heart... makes me weak in the knees.... left breathless long after he is gone... are all the little things....

Little things he does without effort or forethought.... For instance...When you are mixing a drink for him and even before you can finish and hand it to him, he is pouring one for you.... When he insists that you set down your drink because he does not want you multi-tasking in the least upon being kissed... When you tell him that dinner will be ready in three minutes and he has washed up and is helping you finish setting the table with two minutes to spare... When he tells you how wonderful dinner is and acknowledges your effort... When he helps to clear the table even though he has his own tasks waiting on him.... When he refuses to let you lift something, even though both of you know you can... When you take the dog for a walk and a car is coming towards you and he continues to hold your hand, but steps in front of you just in case the car didn't see you.... THAT is the true measure of a man.

He is not arrogant or boastful... but appreciative and protective of my existence....kind, thoughtful and strong with strength that goes beyond the physical....sexy...physically, mentally and emotionally....

And when a man lives his life in this way... it doesn't matter in which room of the house you are.... you feel precious.... and left breathless long after he has gone... smiling with the memories.

From Parents to People....

2009-05-11T16:44:00.000-07:00

Back to Church...

My minister made a statement and shared a story...

He spoke of a woman with a young child, which became very ill on the way to visit her family. Since the woman's one sister was a pediatrician and the other a nurse she decided to continue to the house to obtain their opinions on the sick child. Immediately upon arrival the sisters conferred about the child's condition and came up with the best course of action. The sister/pediatrician wrote a prescription out for an antibiotic and addressed the child's fever.

With that, the three sister's mother entered the room and saw the sick grandchild. Upset over the child's condition the mother insisted that the little girl be taken to the hospital immediately where "real" doctors could tend to her.

The point? That parents struggle to view their children as competent adults.

Where as, at times, I do agree with this... I feel the situation travels in the other direction as well.

As little children we look up to our parents viewing them almost as super heroes. Our Daddies are big (as we are little), they can lift and cradle us with ease as if they have super strength, protect us, provide for us, kiss us good night and make us feel safe.

Our Moms are perfect... they bake for us, tend to our cuts and hurts, call us home from a mile out with the big old school bell, bundle us in coats and mittens to keep us warm and fill our bellies with hot chocolate and toast, that has butter and cinnamon sugar on it, when we come in after hours of playing and our mittens have finally failed. She is Christmas morning, Easter egg hunts and Thanksgiving dinners. She is tolerant of mud pies, grass stains and wheat shafts tangled in my hair from playing in the fields.... she is perfect.

But then we turn into teenagers and young adults and our parents are viewed as nothing less than disciplinarians!!! "Be home..." "Sit up..." "Don't do that... or that... or that...." We try to please, forever falling short, unable to live up to the image of our perfect parents that remains within us still...

Now I find myself as an adult, facing many of the same issues, which my mother had to face, albeit for different reasons... and like a curious child I am filled with questions eager to view her as a person, not a parent. I want to know how she dealt with certain issues, come to terms with my young adult perspective of those events, but mostly.... to get real honest answers from her in hopes of learning that just maybe she isn't/wasn't perfect and it's okay if I'm not perfect all the time either.

I know I'm not perfect. I know without a doubt that I have and will continue to make many mistakes. It would just be so very comforting to, just once, hear her say, "It's okay.. you know... I made the same mistakes when I was your age."

When it comes to Daddy... I will always be little and he will always be my big super hero.... I will never have the chance to get to know him as a man. But... as for Mom.... there is still hope... still time... to get to know her woman to woman... to experience parents turning into real people. It is not an easy transition... but one I am willing to endure. I think she is an amazing woman and I want to know all about her.

And who knows... in the process... I just might find part of me.

Bracing for recoil....

2009-05-11T16:38:00.000-07:00

When people find themselves opening their heart to love again, it is a multifaceted process. There is the physical side…. finding the courage and confidence to touch someone new…. channeling your own self worth to allow yourself to be touched and enjoyed and experiencing the pleasure of it all.

And then there is the emotional side… having the courage to place your heart in the hands of someone else, bestowing upon them the opportunity to drop your heart leaving it shattered on the floor but trusting that they won’t. It’s a frightening process… one we try to traverses with great caution… We try to venture forth slowly, at a pace that feels comfortable and safe. But sometimes, what we feel is so real and so intense it is frightening, unexpected and causes us to recoil to a place of security. We might hold people at an arm’s length, make a verbal line in the sand or even push that other person away…. But when what we are feeling is honest and true…. Our heart can’t stay away…. And the desire to experience it again is even more intense than the first time …. We crave the connection… and instead of stopping at our verbal line in the sand we can’t help but push beyond it… taking one more step, bringing us closer to the possible fulfillment of our dreams.

It is scary. It can cause tears and moments of reflective silence. It can jostle a person’s self-confidence and courage.

During this time, we can only hope that the person on the other side is patient, cares about us and is loving enough to help us through this time….. and will continue to hold our hand as they do our heart.

Simply, Good for a smile...

2009-05-11T07:43:00.000-07:00

Some things just make me smile.... this little guy was in my basement and when I picked him up to release him outside... he just didn't want to leave me finger. I think he is way too cute!!!

Enjoy the simple things...

The best Mother's Day present ever....

2009-05-10T18:33:00.000-07:00

Today was a some what sad day... my boys all at a distance, I found myself alone most of the day. Of course they all called, one by one, throughout the day delivering their good wishes... asking if they had "won" this year... meaning were they the first to call!!! :) It was such a delight to hear all their voices.

But it wasn't until later in the day when I met up with my mom for dinner that the true gift came...

Our church has acquired a new minister. He has a sense of humor and I really enjoyed listening to him speak on Easter Sunday. I didn't go today... I opted to sleep in for a change... So, while on our way to the restaurant, my mother wanted to share with me some of his sermon. It being mother's day, he stayed topical.... keep in mind, my second son, Benjamin, the one with crazy curly hair just like his mom, is graduating from Cornell in two weeks... Magna Cum Laude' .....

Anyway... he referred to some parents of famous people in history and comments they made....

The parents of....

Mona Lisa ~ "After all we spent on braces.. that was your best smile?"

Thomas Edison ~ "Of course I'm proud of you for inventing the light bulb, now turn it off and go to sleep!"

Christopher Columbus ~ "I know you have to travel around the world, but you could at least write."

Albert Einstein ~ "I know you are graduating first in your class, it's your senior picture, could you at least comb your hair?!?!?"

She said it made her think of Benjamin.

*smiles*

My mom then went on to get serious... and she told me that the minister also said something that made her think of me. She took the time to write it down on her bulletin so as to not forget his exact words. She dug it out of her purse and read to me....

"A great mother finds the hidden potential in her children and draws it out of them."

She followed that quote with, "That's exactly what you've done... "

My eyes welled up... that was the best Mother's Day present ever...

Dandelion memories...

2009-05-10T17:47:00.001-07:00

Much of last week the days were gray and wet. With constant down pours the grass grows and grows..... and with it being so wet, the grass doesn't get cut... and when the grass doesn't get cut... up come the dandelions like tiny little replicas begging the real sun to return!!!

And return the sun did... eventually... and I found myself wandering around the back field growing younger with each step until I was all of about 4 lost in the wonderment of the beautiful yellow flowers all around me.

I recalled picking handfuls of them and running to Mommy with them "hiding" behind my back. You'd think I had presented her with a dozen long stem roses the way they were always received and displayed....

I recalled how we used to rub them on our chins and if our chins turned yellow it meant we liked butter....

I remembered how we used to "pop" the tops of them while we sang, "Momma had a baby and it's head popped off!" (don't know where that one ever came from)

And I remembered all the many wishes we made as we blew the dandelion fluff from its stem once they went to seed.

And then suddenly I was the Mommy and I recalled how my sons, especially the youngest, would come running to me with handfuls behind his back.... even up until the day he left for college... and I received and displayed them as if they were a dozen long stemmed roses!!!

Dandelions are so bright and cheerful and full of child-like wishes, how can one not smile when they see them shining up at them?

After I finished squatting down in the grass to look at them closely, watch the bugs crawl around on them, rub one on my skin, just to make sure I still liked butter and try to make as many wishes as I could on all fluff Abbey released in her wake... I picked myself a handful, displayed them as if they were a dozen long stemmed roses .... and smiled.

Happy Star Wars Day.....

2009-05-04T17:38:00.000-07:00

You'd have to know my boys to understand.... but in their honor... and to be totally out of character for a day..... Please forgive me....

"May the 4th be with you!!!"

Searching for a wooden heart....

2009-05-01T13:50:00.001-07:00

My Daddy passed away when I was just a young girl. I, barely a couple months past 14. He, only 44. I was Daddy's little girl... He and I would go for long walks which is when my absolute love for the natural world was nurtured. He would point all sorts of things out to me as we walked through the woods and I just absorbed it.

He was a carpenter by trade and to this day the scent of freshly cut wood curls my toes!!! I wasn't old enough to learn his trade, but I sure watched... fascinated with his skill. My mother claims that my obsession with power tools and talent is genetic. *smiles* Daddy would have loved my workshop... he never got to experience the thrill of many corded tools let alone cordless. All his work was done by hand.

And what amazing hands they were.... skilled, strong, rough as all get out... but gentle and loving. Sometimes I can still feel his hand on the side of my face, calming my fears.

Some of my most prominent memories involving my Daddy are of him with my mom at the kitchen sink after dinner. She would be washing the dishes or cleaning up the meal and he would just spin her around and hold her... hug her and kiss her. The love between them was undeniable.

They were high school sweethearts... each others first love... for Daddy, Mom was his only love. He would have done anything for her...

When they first started dating... the first real gift he ever gave to my mom was a small wooden heart that he made for her. On the back it simply has a safety pin sunk and secured so that it can be worn. And wear it she did... often. Admire it, I did... always.

To me it was more than just a wooden heart. It represented a true, unconditional love... the kind I would dream about and pretend to have when I was a little girl and my mom would let me play in her wedding dress.... the kind I would see as he held her close and kissed her in front of the sink.... the kind I am still hoping to experience...

On my 30th birthday my mother gave me the wooden heart pin. It is the one item, that should my house be on fire, I would stop long enough to get and take with me. Every Valentine's Day I get it out and wear it... and sometimes... I'll wear it just to be hopeful.

There is still a little girl inside me that thinks someday I'll find the wooden heart that I've been searching for... and when I do, he'll craft a heart pin, meant just for me, for my very own.... and love me unconditionally.

Beautiful, beautiful, blossoms.....

2009-05-01T13:15:00.000-07:00

Great Grammy nurtures and provides for yet another year.... love her.

The Awakening...

2009-04-23T17:38:00.000-07:00

Sometimes we get so lost in doing what we "have to do" or feel we are "supposed to do" for the sake of our children, careers, parents... that we get into a groove... and before we realize it months, seasons, sometimes years have passed by... and then one day someone takes notice of you or pays attention to you... they may have been in your life for years but for whatever the reason, on one particular day, at one particular moment you lifted your head, slowed down long enough to notice them back... and that is how it begins...

The Awakening.

We didn't plan on it. It doesn't fit into our schedules. Nothing about it is convenient... and yet... The moon takes on a new glow. You notice the wind in the branches and the birds singing in the still of the morning. And you realize that life holds possibilities that you only ever imagined... You find comfort and acceptance in the midst of your chaos... Do you fight to stay awake? Or do you pull the covers back up over your head, hit the snooze alarm and go back to sleep until you planned on getting up?

Dirty girl.....

2009-04-23T17:09:00.000-07:00

Somebody was obviously up to no good while Mom was away at work.... this time... Abbey - 0... Bird with a bloody beak - 1 !!!! She's a pure white dog!!! When she's not being naughty!!!! She is so busted!!! :)

Let the Winds Wash Over You....

2009-04-19T06:06:00.000-07:00

Yesterday's weather was as near perfect as one can ask for... sunny blue skies, warm... high 60's - low 70's and windy. The winds were more of a breeze and less then gale force... they were mischievous... and I liked them.

I went for a walk through Collumcile. Supporters of the Megalith Park were lovingly tending to the grounds... raking errant leaves, scrubbing the center stone of the chapel and airing out its cushions. There was more sound and movement than I have grown accustom to when I visit.

But it wasn't the sounds of the people that had my attention... it was the sound of the winds playing in the forest... I ascended the hillside near Thor's Gate and was about to continue forward when I heard it coming....like the spirits of children past, running through the leaves, around the trees, playing tag or hide-n-seek and laughing. At first my instincts told me to step out of their way, but on second thought I turned towards the sound, planted my feet, closed my eyes and just waited. The wind washed over, around and through me.... and for those moments I felt so incredibly free and at peace with my heart.... lifted.

Morning Mist

2009-04-17T05:35:00.000-07:00

Early in the morning, just as the sun is rising, if the temperatures hit just right the mist rises off the pond. I love this time of the morning. Sometimes there are deer quietly drinking or geese silently gliding across the surface. I tried to capture it, but it is difficult... sometimes the pictures just don't do it justice.... you can't hear the birds, feel the chill on your flesh or experience the muffled sounds of the mist.... but I try to share nonetheless... It was a beautiful morning...

The story of the Apple Tree...

2009-04-15T13:43:00.000-07:00

I live on part of my family's homestead. On March 16, 1909 my great-grandfather came to the United States through Ellis Island. He left behind, in Germany his wife and two sons with the promise that when he found work and made a home he would send for them. Apparently, he had no intentions of ever sending for them. Two years later in 1911, having lost one son, my great-grandmother packed up what she could in a large basket, boarded the boat, came here, found his sorry ass, took up the homestead with him and had nine more kids!!! (I come from a feisty bunch for sure)

Not only did she bring with her her son, she also brought a loving heart, the patience of a saint, work ethics beyond reproach, recipes we still use today and this apple tree.

Not my children, myself or my mother can ever recall life without apples from this tree. When my mother was a girl there were no freezers.... so it was simply the fruit of the season. Being that this tree bears fruit only every other year she would have quite the wait to taste it's sweetness. I and my children on the other hand were raised in an era where freezers existed... and every other year during apple season, we pick, we peel, we cook, we grind... and in the end... make enough apple sauce to last us two years time... plus a good number of apple crisps and a few meals of apples and noodles. When we get truly sick... it is the only thing that we can eat which, brings us back to good health. Once my mother had to sneak some of it into the hospital for me as I could keep nothing else down... over night, I was amazingly better and ready to go home.

A few years back (although the tree sits on my property) my great-uncle, the last one of his generation, decided the tree needed to be pruned while I was at work!!! He is 92, no one tells him what he can and cannot do... unfortunately he took branches that I had been so lovingly encouraging to bear fruit.

The tree has now been here for 98 years. It is dying. Insects are boring into it's bark. Squirrels or some creature has made a home in it's heartwood... the scat lies at the base of the tree. The bark is falling off exposing the life giving cambian layer. Large branches have gone lifeless from tent caterpillars, yet I would not dare cut them from the tree lest it leave it so unbalanced it would break from the weight.

My eldest son has tried everything from taking its seeds to grafting branches to trying to generate root growth .... but nothing has worked.

Each fall as the leaves drop to the ground I wonder if it will be the last year for apples.... and each spring I patiently await some sign of life that just perhaps I might be granted one more year of sweetness.

Like the feisty old broad who brought the tree to America, it is pushing forth life, yet again. One only need look up at the branches against the sky to see the small buds pushing out from the tips. In a few short weeks it will be teaming with flowers waiting on the bees to pollinate them. And I will stand ready to pick, peel, cook and grind....

I wonder if Great-Grammy ever imagined that four generations later she would still be nurturing her offspring?

Happy Easter!

2009-04-12T04:07:00.001-07:00

Hope is so close...

2009-04-10T18:13:00.000-07:00

Now that music is back in my life... some songs touch, inspire, encourage....

I so enjoy Leslie Mills... from The Everlasting Road cd....

"Hope is so close I can taste it....
I'm so tired of fakin' it...
Want to feel, something real, in my life, in my life...
Looking for the meaning of..... true love..."

It's so close... but not yet within my everlasting embrace... Perhaps tonight he'll find me in our dreams and decide he likes it so much he will stay....

I have to hurry and get to sleep now.... before the night ends....

Soulful Sentiments from a Friend....

2009-04-10T17:13:00.000-07:00

I find it amazing how online we can generate such meaningful friendships. Personally, I think it because what always seems to be missing from our real life relationships is communication... and online.... that is pretty much all we have.

A gentleman, whom I've never met, has been reading my words for almost a year now. He has come to know me well and I value his friendship. He brought music back into my life with the song "Soulshine" by Gov't Mule. My heart was broken... aching beyond repair at the time... and silence was far more comforting... songs just seemed to bring tears or memories I wasn't ready to entertain.

I recently wrote him to thank him.... and tell him that I appreciated his friendship. He wrote, for me, the following...

"You deserve to be happy and I'm glad I could share a little and inspire a smile or two. I'll be here if you need someone, even if ........

Dragonflies travel where they may and lite where they will. Darting here and there, briefly reflecting the sun in the most unique and beautiful ways. Those who are graced with a glimpse of their allure and can appreciate it are left empty and wanting when they are gone. Longing to be graced with their company if even for an other fleeting moment. Alas they are the fairies of our lives teasing our desires by simply being what they are. Seemingly confused in what direction to fly, fearful of where to lite. If there was to be a regret in being touched so profoundly by such a creature, who's warmth and beauty shines from within, is that my heart won't be able to provide her refuge. Still I hope and believe in fearless love. I will always be here for you, even if ........."

I am so very touched.

We can all use a little Soulshine.....

Get your priorities straight....

2009-04-05T03:49:00.000-07:00

Missing my boy today....

2009-04-04T19:45:00.000-07:00

Across the street, next to the pond, on the edge of the woods.... wild daffodils grow. Every year, my baby boy would be sure to pick me some and put them in an old, antique bottle we've found and place them on my kitchen counter as a surprise for me.

I happened to notice them coming home from the grocery store yesterday... the bright white and yellow amidst the still brown grasses and trees. So today, I took a walk over to see them up close. They are as much a bright spot in the forest as my boy is in my heart.... I really miss him today.

Raping Mother Earth....

2009-03-31T17:30:00.000-07:00

I like to pride myself on being able to capture the beauty of the world around me through my lens... but sometimes it is just so very ugly and hateful and violent that even pictures do not do the crime justice, nor words.

I realize it is spring when most people watch and notice the earth coming back to life, rejoicing in the process. However, I always seem to notice the once fertile field being tilled to accept new seed, sitting silent bleeding from the numerous perk test sites where new homes will sprout like weeds.

This particular spring day... it was filled with neglect and violence.... once a beautiful woods, home to so many.... slashed, violently downed ..... look at the photos... tough for me to turn away, tough for me to take in. It breaks my heart. I know the animals that have been displaced.. I hear their cries.... I feel their violation..... smell their fear.... Mother Earth has once again been raped, left exposed and embarrassed for all to drive by and witness....

But she is strong... for look closely in the first of the photos... do you see it? Along the bottom of the frame.... there is green.... she pushes forth new life even in the presence of such truculence. She is a survivor. We have much to learn from her... whenever you get the chance..... listen to her speak.

The Prelude and the Dream....

2009-03-29T06:58:00.000-07:00

The Prelude.....

One of my dearest of friends struggles with fluctuations with weight. I think she is a truly beautiful woman no matter her size and she has a fabulous husband that just adores her. She has that type of marriage that is truly inspirational. They are best friends.... and he has claimed her!!! She has a rather impressive diamond ring that screams, "taken!" *smiles*

I'm not the materialistic person... I never really cared much about diamonds. In fact, for years I always said if ever I got remarried all I wanted was to wear two simple bands on the same finger. Then one day, my friend provided a whole different perspective... she told me that when she feels sales clerks or store personnel are looking down on her and she is feeling as if she is just "a short little old fat lady" she flashes her "F**k You, somebody loves me" ring!!! *big smiles* And all her confidence returns because she knows she has something incredible... it's what the ring represents.

So although I'm really not a materialistic person..... I do dream about having a "F-U somebody loves me" ring.... and my girlfriends and I joke about it....

Well... the other night, the girls and I went out to dinner, and on the way home we stopped at the mall. I had taken in a bracelet (previous gift) which was in need of repair and was now ready to be picked up. When I first dropped off the bracelet I noticed a ring in the display... a beautiful sapphire (my birthstone) that just slipped on my finger perfectly. It really was "me". So while we were there, I showed it to my girlfriends. They know I rarely buy anything for myself... especially not something so frivolous.... not that it was terribly expensive, nonetheless, money that could be used to pay bills or college tuition, etc. But then I got thinking.... why should I have to wait for a "F-U somebody loves me" ring? Sure, I'm still hoping to find that which it represents.... but that night I got me an "F-U "I" love me" ring!!!!

The Dream....

That night I had a dream....

I was in a poor, dirty, market place, small village or city, type location.... (very similar to the setting of Slumdog Millionaire, if you saw the movie) it reminded me of the streets of Cairo when I was there. And, I found a little girl.... she fluctuated between being a baby and a toddler.... she was dirty, her diaper needed to be changed and her parents were no where to be found. I tried to find someone to care for her, but no one would. No one wanted her. So, I took her. I changed her diaper. I washed her hair and gave her a bath. I fed her and clothed her and cared for her.... time passed and eventually (I believe it was) her mother was found. It was time to give the little girl back to the care of others.... but she didn't want to go. She told me that I took care of her better than anyone else and that she loved me.....

********

Upon waking, my day got off to a crazy start and I had forgotten about the dream until later in the day my one friend mentioned that she had had a crazy dream that night... and I remembered mine. I didn't think much of it as I was describing the dream to her.... and then it hit me.....

Was I the little girl?

The Gift of a Kiss.....

2009-03-28T04:15:00.000-07:00

Having survive a some what verbally abusive ex-husband (albeit, a long time ago) I am still unable to be the one to make a first move of a kiss. Fear of rejection is paralyzing. Yet, there are some situations in which I am rather certain my kiss or touch would be more than welcomed... and I am still unable to do so.

Once, (okay, maybe twice or three times) I've been invited to share a man's personal space and know for a fact that I am welcomed there.... then look out!!! The shyness disperses back into the depths of the forest from whence it came.... and I once again hold within me... the gift of a kiss.

The gift of a kiss is confidence.

It says, "I like you." "I want you in my space." It whispers, "You are welcomed here, please come again..."

The gift of a kiss lightens your step, makes you stand taller and bestows a certain energy and sense of courage that can be obtained from no other source.

A first kiss should never be taken for granted.... whether it be the first one shared between two souls... the first of a day, after months or years together.... or the first after having not seen a person for a period of time....

As for me? That gift is best delivered with the warmth of his hands holding my face... I cannot run... and it assures me that he does not want me too..... gift delivered.

Mail to make a Momma proud...

2009-03-26T13:41:00.000-07:00

There are times when bringing in the day's mail is enough to make us cry... bills, bills and more bills.... but today my mail brought me tears of pride....

The first envelope I opened was a "Thank You" note from my oldest son, Aaron and his new wife, Sara. They chose the one and only shot that I requested be staged by the photographer as the photo to put on their thank you cards... and on the back they wrote the most beautiful, personal, meaningful sentiments.... it started out....

Dear Mom,
"There's so much we have to be thankful for: ......."

But it was how it ended that touched my heart ....

" .... But most of all, thank you (underlined) for loving us both and supporting our marriage."

There are details that I'll not go into here... but allow me to say that these words meant more than you can imagine.... I love them so completely... envy what they have... and can't image a more perfect match for either one of them....

The second piece of mail came in "box" form.... as I cut loose the tape, pulled the contents from the box and opened to read the announcement.... my heart was overcome.... it read....

"The Faculty, The Board of Trustees,
and President David J. Shorton
announce that
Benjamin Donald ........
is a candidate for the degree of
Bachelor of Science
in
Animal Science
Magna Cum Laude
at the
One Hundred forty-first
Cornell University Commencement Ceremony
Sunday, ......."

Wow.

Take a walk with me...

2009-03-25T17:47:00.000-07:00

Have camera... will travel.

When I feel the need to rejuvenate or reconnect with the earth, one place I often travel to is the Columcille. It's a Megalith Park a half hour or so from my home. It is peaceful, serene, welcoming... no matter what time of the year. I've trudge through snow, waded through high weeds and kicked freshly fallen leaves of orange, brown and yellow up there. Today I visited while the earth was still as brown as the rocks from, which it came... and I still find it just as lovely as when the grass is lush and green.

It's a place for reflection and guests are requested to walk in silence... so before I enter... I'll share with you the fact that the chapel is my favorite place of all. When I enter I close the heavy wooden door and just sit in silence listening to the sound of my own heart beating... feeling the earth beneath me... grounding my soul. The boulder, which the chapel was built around is meant for just that... as a reminder to stay grounded and connected with the earth.

I invite you to take a walk with me....

The Columcille...

2009-03-25T16:37:00.000-07:00

The Gray Hair....

2009-03-25T16:08:00.000-07:00

I had quite the profound moment today.... Not that you can tell from the posted wedding photo... but my hair is rather long and uncontrollably curly at times... just about down to my arse... and, like any self respecting beast.... I shed. Finding one of my errant hairs can be quite interesting at times, as they can be a couple feet long.

Now, I know I am currently 46 ... and having raised three boys ... I am quite aware that I am beginning to get some gray hairs. My hair dresser assures me it is nothing to be concerned about at this point.... so today, when I pulled a hair from my sweater I thought nothing of it until I took a closer look at it. It was gray!!!!

Not only was it gray.... but it was LONG!!!! That means it's been around for awhile... so long in fact that it has decided it is finished living and should fall out!!!!

I need to call my hair dresser.....

A world of Disconnect....

2009-03-24T16:35:00.000-07:00

The past few days I've been trying to understand the feelings inside me... I think I've finally been able to define them.... it is a sense of emotional and physical disconnect.....

From what? You might ask. I believe it to be a "what" and "whom"....

In today's world we move so fast... constantly working... not taking the time to slow down and appreciate that which is around us. We get so used to being in constant motion that when we do finally slow down, have a "moment to ourselves"... that's exactly what it is... a moment... with ourselves. Alone.

My various jobs have become my social life. Now with the ski season over... my winter family flies south... Those whom I love or care for dearly live at great distance... my day starts so early there is no one that would welcome a call at that hour just to say, "good morning".... and by the time I get home.... I need to sleep.

So yes... there is this feeling of disconnect.... physically.... no one close to kiss or caress... to touch or be touched by..... and I'm not speaking sexually..... just in general. And emotionally.... there is a disconnect from the world as well. Perhaps as a means of survival.

When I do slow down I head out into the woods or in search of some blackwater upon which to set my kayak.... it's out there that I rejuvenate and reconnect with the natural world. It brings peace to my heart.... but it just doesn't seem to be enough lately.

"The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had" I have amazing dreams (goals, desires) that have and do require much sacrifice.... I just want to live them some day instead of die trying to get there.... thus the sense of disconnect.

In Search of the Colours....

2009-03-22T22:15:00.000-07:00

I've been into photography for decades now. In the earlier years I used to develop and process my own black and whites. I enjoyed playing with the shades of gray, controlling the light exposure in the darkroom and altering the initial shot tweaking it to my desire.

Over the years, however, I've had to rely on others to develop my colored films... it has become a lost art turned over to the hands of armatures in places like Walmart and Rite Aid. I've lost more photos to inexperienced hands... once a negative is damaged... there is nothing to do but buy more film and try again.

This... is an expensive practice for me, as I am one to take 100 shots in hopes of getting just one perfect.

So, roughly 4 years ago I decided I would go digital.... but will three kids in college and me a single mom.... the camera I really wanted was out of reach.... until a few weeks ago. For 4 years I've been saving my loose change, money I might receive at birthdays and Christmas and the cash I've earned doing side jobs (carpentry) for friends. It's been a long time coming... but finally a couple weeks ago when I went to visit my son in NH (where they have no sales tax and was able to save 70-80 dollars) I bought my camera!!!!

It's been sitting on my table beaming with quiet intimidation... until today... today ... even though is appears stark and bleak, void of all life... I went out to experiment.... in search of the colours in the woods... and man did I find them!!!

The prize shot of the day? The sunset. My very first sunset with my new digital slr camera!!! As soon as I pushed the shutter button I knew I had captured it and couldn't wait to get home and try to figure out how to transfer the photos to my computer!!! I apparently had forgotten I could actually look at them right then and there on the camera!!!

I've got a lot to learn... but here are some of the colours I found today... hope you enjoy!

Experimental Shot.... A long time coming....

2009-03-22T17:55:00.001-07:00

Dead Kitty Saga Continues....

2009-03-17T16:24:00.001-07:00

If you are just joining me and are not aware of the dead kitty saga.... read... Presents from Abbey..... :)

Much to my delight my friend who is a taxidermist has agree to donate her efforts for the sake of education and to create the entire skeleton of the kitty as well as peel the pelt (not for mittens or hats, but) so that my students can compare the fur with all the other pelts I have.

Even more to my delight was to find the dead kitty still in tact when I got home from work. It is now bagged and on its way to being frozen.

I wonder if she would let me help. I've assisted with a necropsy or two... they are quite fascinating.

Abbey has finally stopped sneezing.

Presents from Abbey.....

2009-03-16T20:06:00.000-07:00

It's just a bit past 10:30 p.m. and I've just gotten home from a long day's work at school followed by a long night's work at Lowe's... and what greets me as I pull in the drive?!?!?! My big white beast as usual..... but tonight she's got a present for me. Generally they come in the form of groundhogs. Last summer I was quite proud of her as she got three groundhogs in a mere two week period of time. She likes to strut around the yard with them hanging out of her mouth. It always amazes me when I finally scoop them up, as to just how heavy they are, and she tosses them around like her well played with rope toy.

She pranced around the drive way then apparently left her present to lay as I opened the car door. She wanted to greet me with kisses..... I opted for a scratch behind the ears, thank you. She circled around me and followed me into the house where I promptly turned on the outside lights to see what she had be gifted me.... it was a kitty...

She's never gotten a kitty before. It was a gray tiger, fairly young. It just laid there with its cute little paws crossed like it was sleeping.

I called my son, the one who will be attending vet school in the fall, who also just happens to be considering adopting a kitten to take to school with him. I told him he now needs to adopt two.

Our conversation quickly digressed.... one would need to understand that I possess a scavenger's license awarded to me as a science educator to pick up road kill and use various parts of them for educational purposes.... and Benjamin cuts apart critters on a regular basis for research purposes...... Benjamin was quick to jump on the fact that a cat skull would be an awesome addition to my collection (I hate to admit how many various skulls I have). We spent a bit of time in debate about just lopping off it's head and putting in the freezer until he comes home again.... to just bagging the whole thing in order to get an entire skeleton out of it.... to approaching a friend and taxidermist to peel the pelt (which Ben thinks would make a rather cool hat or even better... mittens).... to tossing it across the street for the foxes to dine on this evening.....

I am tired. I worked all day. If it is still there in the morning I will consider lopping off it's head... but for now... the foxes lucked out.

As for Abbey.... she keeps sneezing... I think she is allergic to cats!!!!

Anyway!!!!!

2009-02-22T12:05:00.001-08:00

You can spend your whole life buildin'
Somethin' from nothin'
One storm can come and blow it all away
Build it anyway

You can chase a dream
That seems so out of reach
And you know it might not ever come
your way
Dream it anyway

God is great, but sometimes life ain't good
When I pray it doesn't always turn out like I
think it should
But I do it anyway
I do it anyway

This world's gone crazy and it's hard
to believe
That tomorrow will be better than today
Believe it anyway

You can love someone with all your heart
For all the right reasons
And in a moment they can choose
to walk away
Love 'em anyway

God is great, but sometimes life ain't good
When I pray it doesn't always turn out like I
think it should
But I do it anyway
I do it anyway

You can pour your soul out singin'
A song you believe in
That tomorrow they'll forget you ever sang
Sing it anyway
Yeah, sing it anyway

I sing!

I dream!

I love anyway!!!!

~Martina McBride~*

This song has lifted me, encouraged me in times I had trouble believing in myself.... crank it up!!!! Sing it loud!!!

SING, DREAM BELIEVE, LOVE...... ANYWAY!!!!!!!

Don't ever let someone tell you you can't do something!!!!

Happy Valentine's Day....

2009-02-13T11:23:00.000-08:00

Love.... to some, from the outside... it just doesn't seem right... to those involved... pure perfection. Happy Valentine's Day!!!